Always the Fat Girl

I work in a grocery store. I get to see lots of people. There are the regulars that come in daily, and then some that come in once or twice a week. There is a favorite customer of mine that comes in once or twice a week. I noticed him about 3 months ago. He always comes in after his workout, buys a few things and goes to the self checkout where I work. We've chatted a little bit here and there, and every time he leaves I get teased because my face is flaming red from blushing. He's very attractive, nice, and funny. More on him in just a bit.

My plans have been finalized to go back to Missouri. A very nice person bought the plane tickets for my daughter and me. We fly out November 28th. I'm very excited and scared at the same time. I have no job waiting for me, not even a lead. I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. I just want to get home to my family and be happy. I may struggle a bit, but at least I know I'll be surrounded by people who love me and can lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on if I need it. 

Back to the favorite customer. Since I'm single now, I decided that it would do no harm to ask this guy out for a cup of coffee, especially since I'll no longer be around. I had been looking for him to come back into the store so I could ask him out. I knew what I wanted to say: "My last day here is November 23, and then I'm moving out of the state. I won't get to see my favorite customer anymore (he knows he's my favorite) so we should go have a cup of coffee sometime soon before I leave." I even imagined that I'd pout a little as I said I wouldn't be working there anymore, I'd smile, and be my typical flirty self. Well, he came into work the other night and it was my time to shine! I was going to step out of my comfort zone and ask him out to coffee. I talked to him. I told him I was leaving. He told me he hopes I have a safe trip and he understands why I'm leaving. I was blushing, and then the words I wanted to say failed to escape me. I chickened out!

Why? I was looking at this gorgeous man, and thinking to myself, "Why would he want to go out with this fat girl?" I kept telling my coworkers that the worst he would say is no and that's ok, but you know what, it's not ok. I would have taken it as something personal and felt rejected. 

I've written at least two blogs about my increased confidence, but that night I felt like the fat girl again. I didn't even give this guy a chance to reject me. I just assumed he would. I have to get out of this mindset that I am the "big girl" or the "fat girl". When I shop for clothes, I immediately wander to the plus size section first. Most of those things don't fit me anymore! I walk to the misses section, but there is that part of me that thinks I'm going to get strange looks because I don't belong there. BUT I DO!!! I've proven I can wear smaller clothes. I'm wearing them right now! What is it going to take for me to accept that I'm not that fat girl anymore?? It won't be my friends and family telling me how good I look. It won't be the strangers flirting with me. It's all on me to believe in myself and know that what I'm seeing in the mirror is not the "fat girl". I'm not skinny by all means, and I'm medically considered obese. But I've come a long, long way and I need to see what others see. I need to believe it's real!

I have to believe because I have two daughters who look up to me. What kind of example do I set for them if I refer to myself as fat, a cow, or a pig. It's time to toss out the big girl panties, put on my smaller girl panties and face the fact that although I'm not perfect, I need to be proud of myself and how far I've come. I need to tell that fat girl to get out of my head. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU ANYMORE!!!

Exit 40

This past weekend I drove to Vancouver, Washington with my youngest daughter so we can go to the birthday party of my friend's daughter, and spend the night. 

It was exit 40 that got me to thinking about my love life. What is the significance of exit 40? Well, in 2010 I met an ex of mine on a social networking site. At the time that we began talking, he was living in Vancouver, and I was in Tacoma. When we decided to meet in person, we chose exit 40 because it was kind of in the middle. I say "kind of" because for me it was more than halfway, but as always I was willing to go the extra mile-no pun intended. Long story short, we aren't together anymore, but as I passed this exit, I got angry. Since he and I broke up, I've passed the exit a couple of times and felt really sad because it reminded me of our first date and how good things were back then. This time I was so mad because I came to the realization that I have gone out of my way several times for some guy! I even moved from Tacoma to be near him, and after eight months of ups and downs and feeling in last place most of the time I ended the relationship. 

I can remember earlier that year driving to Everett and to Shoreline to meet other people. These people didn't bother to even meet me halfway! Where are they now? One never called after our date. Perhaps it's because I didn't want to have sex with him. The other just kept putting me off. There was always SOMETHING going on. He couldn't even send a simple text message. In 2008 shortly after I ended things with my youngest daughter's father, I drove to Eastern Washington to be with someone. After weeks of sweet text messages and long phone conversations I was convinced he was the one. After driving there, which was 6 hours round trip, I was told he wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship after I had asked "What happens now?" Did I walk away with my head held high? No, I WENT BACK a second time!  Can you say, DESPERATE????? 

And I've done it again! Remember when I moved to Vancouver to be near a man? Well, after we broke up I moved to Oregon because a former friend of mine said the cost of living was better, and I'd have her and her family if I needed them for anything.I found a roommate and after living with him for two months he put his house up for sale and told me that his girlfriend and her daughter needed a place to live. I was seeing someone that I met online and we decided that I'd move back up to Washington to move in with him. However, before this happened we had discussed the possibility of him moving to Oregon because his family was there, but his son wouldn't go for it. So, once again, I was the one relocating my life. 

Why have I let this happen so many times? Why have I not stood up and told these people that I am worth the extra mile? Why have I allowed myself to be so desperate? It's not so much because I was lonely. I think it's been lack of confidence. For so long I didn't believe that I deserved better. Well, that has changed. 
Although my weight loss has literally had some ups and downs, it has given me hope and confidence. I know now that I don't deserve to be treated like I'm the bottom of someone's totem pole. I KNOW that if I meet someone that yes, HE is lucky to have me just as much as I may be to have him. 

It's time to set a better example to my daughters and show them that I won't take anything less than the best. I AM WORTH THE EFFORT! 

Homeward Bound

When I was 18 I moved away from my home in St. Louis, Missouri because I was married, and my ex husband who was in the Air Force got stationed here. After 6 and a half years of marriage we divorced, but because of our daughter and his new wife's family being here, I stayed here also. In 2007 when my ex and his wife were divorcing he decided to move back to Missouri, and our daughter went, too. I would have gone as well, but at the time I was in a relationship that had a dead end, but because we had a child together and I was determined to make things work I stayed here. Well, that relationship finally met its end.

What kept me here in Washington? A variety of things: work, the beauty, friends, my daughter's family and men. There was always some man in my life. I think that for maybe a year since my youngest daughter's father and I broke up I was single or not trying to get in someone's pants. Well, there is a man in my life again, but it's time for me to think of someone else besides myself. I need to think about my children. My youngest daughter needs my attention. She has been through a lot of moving, her father's lack of attention, and my constant stress. She needs a mother who doesn't have to force a smile on her face. She needs a mother who isn't so busy trying to please everyone else that she gets annoyed with her daughter who simply wants to cuddle with her. Then there is my oldest daughter. She and her father have a strained relationship, so she can't always count on him to be there for her if she needs him. She and I are a lot closer, and she needs her family, too. I know she has her fiancee', but I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to have her mom around. 

I have been writing about my weight loss journey since January. I think that it's time I take a journey across the country to my home. I miss my parents, my daughter, the rest of my extended family, and my friends. I have a few here, but when I need a shoulder to cry on, it just isn't the same as having my mom's shoulder. If I'm lucky enough to catch a Cardinals baseball game on TV, there is no one here who will really get excited about it like my dad. My mother was telling me the other day that when she goes shopping, it makes her sad when she sees other grandmothers with their grandchildren, because her youngest is so far away. 

The last time I went home it wasn't under the best circumstances. My dad had suffered a heart attack. He was still feeling pretty lousy when we were there, and even worse, ended up in ICU with congestive heart failure. There are many reasons I want to go home, but here are two that really have made me sure: although my father was smiling and we joked a little when he was in the ICU, he was frail, and his skin was so white. He was like a ghost of my dad. I want to go home and see the dad that is smiling and watching baseball. I want to see the dad that calls me Princess. Another reason to get home-my dad told me that he never got to really hug Paris when we visited because he was so sick. That really hurt my heart. 

I'm scared and excited at the same time. I'm still trying to work out the details, but I will get home. I know I will feel complete when I am back home with the people who really love and care about me. 

Dad, I promise, you will get many hugs!

Almost 20% Off! No, Not a Great Sale-20% off of ME!

Last week wasn't so great for me. I was bloated, got food poisoning, and was stressed to the max.
I had some good and bad days as far as the eating goes. I did not track my food or activity, yet somehow managed to lose 4.6 pounds. I'm happy, yet I'm a little ticked at myself for not staying on plan and tracking everything. I was doing a lot of estimating in my head as far as how many points I was consuming. I think the weight loss is lucky, to be honest. 

Today I just realized 2 things. I am just a half pound away from a 40 pound weight loss and I am 5.2 pounds away from having lost 20% of my starting weight. A goal of mine is to get certified to become a Zumba instructor once I've lost 20%. I'm excited. It may take some time to get certified, because the classes cost money and they fill up quickly. There are 2 classes available in September. One is September 8th and still has space, but I won't have the $225 in time. The other class is September 22nd and is already sold out. I hope that more open up very soon! 

I admit that I've slacked off quite a bit, but today when I realized I'm so close to another milestone I had a talk with myself, and said that all that slacking off, mindless snacking, and laziness ends today! I'm going to plan out my week, which will include exercise and meals. I should have been at 20% long ago. However, I'm still a happy girl. I have more energy, I can wear smaller clothes, and I have more confidence as I've mentioned in other blogs. 

I'm off to do a walk now. It's kind of warm out there but I am NOT letting that get in my way. I've let too many things get in the way of my success. Mainly myself! Not today and not ever again. I DO deserve the very best and damn it I'm going to get it!

Long and Overdue Date

I normally write about my weight loss journey, but today I had the most amazing 2 hours in a long time and had to share. No, it was not amazing sex that I feel compelled to write about. It's about having lunch with a friend I hadn't seen in about 15 years. 


When I was getting ready for my lunch date with her this morning I felt like I was getting ready for a blind date. I was wondering, "Will she still like me?" "Will there be awkward pauses in the conversation?" "Will she still be nice?" Even on the way to meet her I sent her a text message (not while I was driving) to tell her how nervous I was. We were going to meet outside of the restaurant but I saw her in the parking garage, and ran after her. After she realized she wasn't being attacked, we hugged. It was a great hug. It wasn't a forced, half, pat on the back hug either. It was a real hug. 


When we sat down and were given our menus, the conversation started and never stopped. The poor waitress had to come by a few times before we were actually ready to order. There had been many years since we'd last seen each other, but we talked and talked as if there hadn't been that 15 year gap. When I first met her in 1994, we went to Denny's after work. I told her my life story. We talked for hours. I felt like I could tell her anything, and today I felt the same way. Perhaps over the last 15 years we've both changed, but what didn't change was that sense that I can trust this woman with my life. 


As we said goodbye we hugged again and I probably hugged a little harder this time. When I was driving home I started to cry. There were some silly things that kept us apart all of these years and I don't even remember all of it. All I know is that I don't want to lose her friendship again. I told her that I was sorry we missed out on all of these years. And just like always, she knew what to say to make me feel better. She said, "We have plenty more, ok?" 

Non Scale Victories-Pictures, too!

I haven't posted in a bit because I've been busy, and unfortunately have had some stressful days and the scale reflected just how much I've been stressing. I fell back into bad habits, making food my friend. However, I've snapped out of that for the most part, and I've been trying hard to get back on track.


I've had some things to celebrate. I am able to wear misses size clothes. I discovered this a few weeks ago when I went shopping with my friend. She was pushing me away from the plus size section. I found some jeans in a size 16 misses that were a great price. I tried them on and was skeptical. To me, my thighs looked kind of big. I think it was that self talk I've been so used to all this time. I had to step out of the fitting room and look in the larger mirror outside the door. One of the fitting room attendants stopped and exclaimed, "Those look REALLY good on you. I wouldn't just say that, either. Really good!" I took another look at myself and then explained to her that I've been in plus sized clothes for so long and it was hard to believe I could fit into these jeans. Then I started to cry. They were happy tears, of course.
Another thing to celebrate is my shrinking bra size. I'm now a 38DD. If I wanted I could go to Victoria's Secret and get bras. Oh, and I had to add holes to my belt! So, when the scale is not moving in the direction I want it to go, I have to remind myself that I am making progress. The scale is not the only thing to determine my success! 


The biggest non scale victory for me is hearing my 8 year old tell me I look skinnier. You know how kids are. They are painfully honest. She's never hesitated to tell me if I look big. She always tells me now that I look pretty. If I start to say I look fat in something, she stops me. If I eat something that isn't the best for me, she reminds me that I may exceed my daily points plus values. There are times that I am horrified and embarrassed by the things she says, but these days if it means helping me stay on track, I'm forgiving. 


Take a look at the pics below. These are me in my MISSES jeans. 

The Next Time You Eat That Donut...

It's been awhile. I'd like to say that I've been too successful in my weight loss to write, but that's not the case. The fact is, I'm tired. I'm working full time, I'm on my feet a lot, and when I get home, I eat and rest. Therefore, I'm still losing, but it's at a very slow pace, because I'm not trying hard to make it happen. Until today I had stopped tracking, stopped exercising and wasn't getting enough sleep.


That all changed today at the weekly weigh in. I lost .6. So if the scale measures in tenths, that's 3/5 of a pound. I can do so much better than this. I was happy to have a lost, considering what I've eaten lately, but it was admitting that I ate donuts that made me realize I've really fallen off the wagon lately. When I confessed I ate them, I may not have shown it, but I was ashamed. At the time I ate the donuts, I was back to the old Tamara. I didn't just have one, I looked around, made sure no one was coming and grabbed a second one. By the way, these were provided courtesy of my work. That first donut went down too quickly. It was soft, gooey, and perfect. I didn't even bother to calculate the points on these donuts until now.  One medium size glazed donut is 7 pp. Remember I had two of them. That's 14. I get 26 daily points. I ate over half my daily allowance. What's even more disturbing is the nutritional breakdown. I did some Googling and according to one site I found one donut has 255 whopping calories and 12 grams of fat among other things. Eek!

I had the nerve to scoff at the person who had only taken half of a donut. Me! What am I, some expert just because I've lost 33.6 pounds? Absolutely not! Today's meeting was about questioning if the points in something you want is worth it. If I had actually taken the time to look up this info before I consumed TWO donuts, I honestly think I would have allowed myself half of one. I love donuts. It only takes a few bites to satisfy whatever craving it is I have. I wish I could explain what came over me. Maybe the fact that they were free gave me that excuse. I haven't purchased any, so that tells you right there that I didn't want them bad enough. 


A coworker of mine recently told me that she's using me as a motivator to help achieve her weight loss goals. The girl is going to gym for 3-4 hours at a time! She's eating better. It's already showing. There is no freaking way that I'm going to be an inspiration to anyone if I'm sitting back popping donuts like they're crack. It's time to light that fire under my butt again. Anyone have a match?

Feeling Effects of NOT Being Active (Plus Weight Loss Progression Photos)

I've been working very hard. I worked at H&R Block this past tax season where I was mostly on my feet as I was a receptionist, but there was a chair where I could sit, too. At my current job, there is no chair in which to sit. I'm a cashier, and I am constantly moving, reaching, bending, talking, etc. I'm very exhausted at the end of my shift, and most nights when I come home I don't get to sit down right away unless I use the toilet, lol. I have an 8 year old that needs my attention, there is cooking to do, and maybe some cleaning as well. After that's all done, and I've gotten my child to bed, I play on the internet for awhile and go to bed-late. I get maybe 6 hours of sleep, wake up a few minutes later than I intended, so I'm rushing to get myself ready for work and my child ready for school. 


Now I'm sick. I have a nasty cold with some chest and nasal congestion, sinus headache and a cough. I feel miserable, yet the show must go on. I HAVE to go to work, because I don't get paid time off yet. This is the 3rd time in the last month I've gotten sick. I've had tummy issues twice, and now this. I think I know why-lack of exercise. 


Sure, there is repetitious movement in my job, but it's not enough to get my heart rate going. I need Zumba, step aerobics or kick boxing. So the question is, when can I fit that in my busy schedule? The answer is in the morning. Many years ago I worked out in the morning before having to be at work at 4 am! I remember feeling so energetic, and the need for coffee was not there. I was able to push through my day and was able to fall asleep easily at night. There is no reason-absolutely none-that I can't get myself up in the morning and do some kind of activity for at least 30 minutes. Exercise has many benefits, the obvious being weight loss, but it releases endorphins which make you feel really good, kind of like chocolate does. :-) Another benefit is it makes your immune system stronger. You can fight off those infections more easily, or if you do get sick you're not down and out as long as most. I've found this to be true for me personally. When I exercise on a regular basis, I'm less stressed, sleep better, I don't get sick often, and in general feel happier.


Tomorrow I start my activity commitment. I am committing to at least 5 days a week of activity, whether it be Zumba, kickboxing, walking, or even skating. I have to do at least 30 minutes when I exercise, and would like to build up to an hour. I'd like to fit that in before I work. If I'm off work, I want to work out in the morning, and then again in the afternoon and evening. Ideally I could continue to lose weight on Weight Watchers without exercise if I follow the program to the letter, but for maximum results, and for my health I want to exercise. 


Below you can see how almost 33 pounds off of my body looks. Notice how my posture improved. I'm standing up straighter. A few people have said I look taller. Is it the heels? Is it the fact that I'm up close, or is it the fact that I have more confidence now? Do you think there's just a little sass in there too? You're damn right there is! 

All Aboard the Weight Loss Train!

Well, I'm happy to report that I am almost 11 pounds away from my next big goal. When I lose those 11 pounds I'll have lost 20% of my starting weight. I've lost 33.4 pounds so far! I'm not only under 200 pounds, but I'm under 190 pounds. I have not been under 190 since 1994. I still have a long way to go, however. 

I'm excited that some family members and friends have joined Weight Watchers! My oldest daughter joined, so did my cousin, his wife, 2 friends, and now another is considering it. Another good friend of mine is doing her own thing. She's even trying to step out of her comfort zone and get outdoors more and to the gym. She has agoraphobia, so it's rare that she goes out in public. She recently went out without her husband, which was a big accomplishment. I'm very proud of her! She's not only trying to change her lifestyle, she's trying to overcome her fears. I'm not sure if her recent weight loss has been an inspiration, but no matter what, it's good to see her doing so well. 

That same friend suggested I start my own weight loss group on Facebook. That's what I did! There are a few of us that share our ideas, concerns, vent, and we share recipes, too. Most of all we do what we can to motivate each other and keep things positive. I'm starting to feel like I could really be a role model. This group has helped me realize that I'm capable of being a good leader if I push my doubts and fears aside. People are actually willing to listen to me. It feels good to be heard! 

I'm 4'11". I'm what you call "vertically challenged". I want it to be known though, that since I've lost this weight, I've gained so much confidence, support and love. With all that, I feel like the tallest woman in the world. 

I love Myself!

No, I'm not full of myself or conceited. I really love myself. It took some time for me to feel this way. I've looked at myself for years and thought that I have a pretty face, BUT I'm fat. I have a pretty face, BUT I have a big butt, etc. Today, there are no BUTS! I still have a butt, though, lol!! Seriously though, even if I'm still a work in progress, I can look at myself and like and accept what I see. I have pretty eyes, a nice smile, and my body is starting to show my natural curves that have been hidden under fat. I like taking pictures of myself, because I like what I'm seeing these days. I have many pounds to go before I reach my weight loss goal, however, if I didn't have the confidence I do now I wouldn't be losing weight. Negativity gets me nowhere. Saying I'm a fat slob just provides the opposite results and sends me diving into the refrigerator for comfort food. I've had to tell myself that I AM a beautiful person that is worthy of love and who can accomplish anything and that positive self talk is working. 

I encourage anyone who needs to lose some weight to think about the reasons you want to lose the weight. Is it because someone else (besides a doctor) is telling you to lose weight? Is someone telling you that you're ugly, fat, etc? Do you see other women or men and compare yourself to them? Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Do it for you and your health. Do it because you want live a longer healthier life. If someone in your life is being a negative influence, maybe they don't deserve to be around you. Consider dropping those negative people and I bet the pounds will come off faster. 

Celebrate each success. When you lose that first 5 pounds do something for yourself that's not related to food. Get a pedicure, buy a top, or something else you've had your eye on. Most importantly, LOVE YOURSELF! Don't beat yourself up. Be good to both your body and spirit. 

Confessions of an Emotional Eater

I'd like to say that this blog entry is like the rest: full of inspiration and gung ho advice about weight loss and exercise, but it's not. It's about how I have totally fallen off the wagon this past week. 

I started a new job. I love it. I've met lots of new people, my trainer was great, and customers have been so patient and understanding of the newbie ringing up their groceries. Every night (except tonight) I've gone home emotionally and physically drained. I haven't had the energy to go to Zumba class, or even to cook. I did, however cook twice I think. I also went to a Body Plus Abs class, which entailed step aerobics and weights. After I left that class I remember feeling so sore, yet so accomplished. Then things just went downhill after that. 

I found myself eating McDonald's, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, sweet and sour chicken-just a bunch of crap! Last night I was making these buffalo burgers from a recipe I got at www.skinnytaste.com. The recipe called for 100% LEAN buffalo meat and I thought that's what I had, but I had grabbed one that said it was 100% Buffalo. That meant the points value of my meal skyrocketed. I figured since I'd already blown it, I may as well eat more tortilla chips with guacamole dip, so I did. I think that even later that evening I had more. This morning I went to breakfast and had corned beef hash, stuffed hash browns, eggs and toast. Believe me, I felt SO disgusted after that meal. My tummy hurt for hours, and I felt weighed down, just like all the other meals. 

When I think back to each crappy meal I had, there was some emotion associated with each one. Take for instance, breakfast. I was frustrated at my boyfriend's son for leaving a dish full of cereal in the sink. When I had the extra chips and dip last night, I was upset I had gotten the wrong meat and figured what the hell? When I got the burger from McDonald's, I was hungry, yet I was feeling really happy about my new job. There is not always a negative emotion to trigger someone like me to eat. 

I thought I had broken this cycle. I've come to realize, however, that it's going to take more time. I'm still a rookie when it comes to having a healthier lifestyle. I really hadn't beaten myself up about all of this until today. I wasn't calling myself names, but I was telling myself I know better! My tummy has been aching a bit all day. That's punishment enough. No need for me to add the negative self talk.

How am I going to get out of this funk? Well, I just have to keep reminding myself why I started this journey-I want to live a longer, healthier life. I've come so far and I can't blow it. I have to start tracking my meals again and STOP making excuses. 

It's time to stop messing around, and kick ass and take initials because I have no time to take names!

A Thank You to My Ex

Have you ever loved someone so much, and when things didn't work out you wondered where YOU went wrong? Did you ask, "Why doesn't he (or she) want to be with me?" "What did I do wrong?" Did you think that once things ended with them you'd never find someone as good as them or you'd never find love again?


This was me last year. I was with someone for 8 months, and the warning signs were there in the early stages of our relationship telling me I should get out but I ignored them. To make a long story short, I got tired of feeling last. I knew I'd never be first because of his children, but I never, ever wanted to FEEL last. So, I said goodbye, and then I regretted it almost immediately.  I practically begged him to come back, but he refused. My ego was bruised big time. I cried every night for a couple of months. I asked myself "Why didn't he fight for me?"
"What's wrong with ME?" Even after I entered a new relationship these questions haunted me in the beginning. It wasn't fair to the new man in my life either, who from the beginning gave me the attention I craved. He has a son, but not once have I felt I'm less important. I sure was a mess last year!


Fast forward to this year. Since I've begun my weight loss journey as I call it, I've come to realize that there is NOTHING wrong with me. Ok, so maybe I do need some fine tuning, but what I'm trying to say is just because he didn't want to be with me forever it doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. It doesn't mean that I'm not a fantastic person. It doesn't mean that I don't deserve the best. The breakup wasn't all on me. I did what I had to do because I DO deserve total devotion and happiness. I AM a beautiful person that doesn't need to settle. Most of all, it's HIS loss, and not mine. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but I can say with confidence now, that when he let me walk out of his life, he was missing out. Look how far I've come. I'm not just losing weight, I'm gaining confidence. I've talked about this before. How hot is it to have a pretty woman next to you that not only loves you, but loves and believes in herself? I was a defeated, beat down, and emotional mess last June. Today I am strong. I am beautiful. I want to thank my ex for not taking me back because for one I found someone wonderful who CAN love me the way I need and deserve, and for two, I realize I don't have to settle and accept everything. I'm not afraid to speak up if I'm unhappy. The old Tamara would have just kept her mouth shut or kept crying. That crybaby has left the building. 

Time to Stop Being a Follower and Become a Leader

I mentioned in a previous blog entry about how my weight loss has made me more confident. I'm walking with my head held high, I smile a lot more, etc. I've mentioned several times that I aspire to be a Zumba instructor once I've lost 20% of my starting weight. Well, I think it's time I raise the bar a bit. 


Several people have told me that I've inspired or motivated them in some way to start eating better, or exercising. A couple of my friends actually joined Weight Watchers. I find myself trying to coach my oldest daughter a little bit, and my other half, too, instead of nagging him about his eating, lol. In training for my new job today I was telling the girl sitting next to me about Weight Watchers. This has all got me thinking lately: Why not become a leader myself? Well, one reason is I'm not at goal yet. It's understandable that the company won't hire me yet until I can be a living example of how the program works. The other reason is my fear of public speaking. I LOVE speaking to people and meeting new people. However, I hate speaking in front of groups. I turn red. It passes, but I'd like to start off not looking like a lobster. I have plenty of time to work on that fear. I have 70 pounds to go before I reach my goal weight. If I average 2 pounds a week, I can reach that goal in almost 9 months. I think that's enough time to get prepared. I suppose I can read some books on the subject of public speaking, or perhaps take a class. No matter what, I need to work on it.


I love my leader, Debbie. She's enthusiastic, driven, encouraging, and she's loud! She's like me. I want to be in her shoes. I want to get people excited about achieving their goals. I want to make a difference. 


Besides being a mother, I can't think of anything more rewarding than helping to change the lives of others for the better. 

Missing Puzzle Piece

This weight loss journey of mine has brought on so many changes. Obviously there is the physical change, but there has been a change from the inside as well. I find that I'm more optimistic. Even when things don't go my way, I have an upbeat attitude. Like always, I have a smile on my face, but these days, I actually FEEL the smile-I'm not faking it. 

There is something else I've noticed. I have more confidence. I walk with my head up, and if I'm getting a second look from someone, I don't look down at my shoes. I look that person in the eyes and smile. I've found my confidence again. One recent example of this was my 2nd job interview with my new employer.

Before I went to the interview, I was nervous, but on the drive there I keep saying positive things out loud. "You've got this!" "You can do it". I don't know what happened to the nerves. Maybe it was my new boss and her assistant who seemed laid back, but I answered every question without hesitation. I even made them laugh. I maintained eye contact. I even told them about my weight loss and how I want to become a Zumba instructor when I reach one of my weight loss goals. My new boss asked the final question, "Why should we hire you?" I didn't give the standard cliche' answers. I simply said this, "Because I'm your missing puzzle piece." I said it with confidence, not arrogance, and I smiled. She and her assistant loved that response. I was offered the job on the spot. 

I credit my weight loss to this resurrected confidence. I'm doing my best to handle all situations just like I do with this weight loss-with determination, and a CAN DO attitude. I love what losing weight has done for me. I hope that you'll continue to stay with me and celebrate my success. Thanks for reading. 

A New and Improved Tamara

This morning I couldn't make it to my Weight Watchers meeting because my child is ill, so I decided to go this evening. I was going to chicken out and skip the scale and just go to meeting, but decided to face the music and put my big girl panties on and deal with it.(FYI, them "big girl panties" aren't so big anymore!) I gained 2.4 pounds last week. Now my leader said that a person's weight can fluctuate somewhere between 2 and 3 pounds before morning and evening, but I know I gained something. I was not tracking everything last week. There were a couple days when I really was a chowhound. Take yesterday for example. Yesterday was the last day of tax season, which meant it was my last day until next year at H&R Block. Our office had a potluck. There was pizza, tater tot casserole, chips, dips, hummus, and Baklava. Every chance I could get I was running back to the break room to munch on something. Today the scale reflected that. 


The old Tamara would have been pissing and moaning about it. The new Tamara, however, knows where I went wrong. I knew what was coming. I didn't even have the nerve to be disappointed because I KNEW I had gained those 2.4 pounds with no one else's help but my own. That was my moment today. I didn't get upset, didn't call myself a failure, I didn't get down on myself. I just said, "Oh well". I'm proud of myself for accepting this little setback and not making a huge deal of it. I know I will do better next week. And in a couple of weeks I'll have lost 30 pounds. Stay tuned!

Another Little Milestone Reached!

Today I got my award for losing 25 pounds. Well, it's actually 26.4 pounds now! I was so excited to get my key chain last week, and it was awesome to be able to add my first charm to it this week. That thing is going with me every where. When I feel myself about ready to cave and eat a big fat juicy burger, or some french fries with cheese, I'm going to reach into my pocket, and touch my key chain. It's going to be there to remind me that I've come so far, and there is no looking back. I'm tired of being the fat girl. I'm tired of shopping in the plus size section. Shoot, I'm tired of being tired! 


I admit, it feels great to get recognized for achieving my goals, but lately I've gotten comments from friends that meant more to me than these weight loss awards I've received. I've been told that seeing my posts (on Facebook) motivates one friend to want to do better, and another said that she's sure I'll "push her over the edge soon" to start dieting. Of course I mentioned to her that what I'm doing is not a diet, but a lifestyle change. Another friend of mine joined Weight Watchers just last week. She's full of questions, and I'm there to answer when I can. I feel kind of like a mentor. THAT is rewarding to me-to be able to inspire and motivate others to make positive changes in their lives. One reason I talk so much about my journey and successes along the way is not to just get some recognition and encouragement, but to motivate others who might be struggling with weight loss or who need that little push. 


Just a little update on where I am towards reaching my goals. I have to lose 7 pounds to have a 15% weight loss and 17 pounds to reach 20%. Once I reach 15% I'm either getting a tattoo or nose piercing. When I reach 20% I'll take a Zumba certification course. As usual I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading!

Time to Celebrate! Before and After Pics and Updated Stats!

Well folks the moment I was waiting for finally arrived-I finally have lost 10% of my starting weight. It was awesome.

When my leader weighed me I learned that I not only reached my 10% weight loss goal, I was for the first time in years under 200 pounds. It was an emotional moment. I cried a little, did a happy dance and hugged my leader. I got recognition in front of the rest of the group at meeting. It felt so good to get cheered on for my accomplishments. That was more rewarding than the nice charm holder I got. 

My leader set my next goal, which is 20% of my starting weight. I have 19 pounds to get there. I've mentioned it before, and it's worth mentioning again: Once I reach 20% I WILL take the Zumba certification class. I want to be an instructor. I WILL be an instructor!

I'm feeling pretty good, and I know that things will get even better if I keep doing what I've been doing. 

Updated stats and pics below:

Starting weight: 222.8

Today's weight: 198.4

Starting waist measurement: 43 inches

Today's measurement: 39 inches

Starting hip measurement: 53 inches

Today's measurement: 49 inches

These are before and after. The pictures on the left in each set are from January 17, 2012. The pictures on the right are from March 27, 2012. I see a difference, and FEEL a difference as well. I'm so thankful to have Weight Watchers! 

Time to Face the Fact: I Have Anxiety

Thursday, March 22, 2012 started out like every other day. I battled with my 8 year old to get out of bed and get dressed for school. I got showered and ready for work. Everything was the norm, until I suddenly got dizzy and broke out in a cold sweat. The apartment was not hot. It was just me. I told Paris, my 8 year old, that I didn't feel well and felt really dizzy. She told me not to drive. I shrugged off her suggestion and drove her to school anyway. Although it's only a little over a mile round trip, it was the longest mile ever to me. I was still sweating and had to roll down the window, even though it was in the 30's that morning. After I dropped her off and headed toward work, I had to pull over because I felt like I was going to black out. Why didn't I listen to my little one?

I made it home and then I began to cry, because I was very scared. I was so dizzy that I had to lie down, and I couldn't even move. I sent my boss a message letting her know I would not be able to make it in that day. Then I started to cry, because I felt so panicked. My chest began to hurt. It felt like someone was sitting on it. I was advised to call 911. The fire department was at my home before I got off of the phone with dispatch. They determined I was not suffering a heart attack, however, I was still freaked out and panicked, so I had my boyfriend take me to the emergency room. The whole way there I cried and kept apologizing for him having to leave work, which got me even more upset and caused more dizziness and pain.

I was checked in immediately, blood was drawn, I was given an EKG and X-ray and given Ativan to calm my nerves. All the tests and blood work came back fine. They could not determine the cause of my chest pain. My initial thought was that the pain meds I started taking to cope with my ovarian cyst pain were causing side effects, but I was ill for 2 days after this incident. I think that I started to get sick, and getting dizzy while driving sent me into a panic attack. I've dealt with anxiety in the past and had to take medicine, but asked to be weaned from it because I refused to be another statistic, someone that has to pop pills to be a "happy person". I've had small attacks of anxiety here and there, but it was nothing like I experienced Thursday. I think it's time to face the fact that I have this issue and may need medication to cope. Exercise is a good way to deal with it, but I can't exercise 24 hours a day. I have insurance now, so I can't use that as an excuse either. I am on the right track physically in making myself better. It's time I get better psychologically as well. I fear that if I don't, I may slip back into my old habits and gain weight again that I've worked so hard to lose. 

 Am I embarrassed to have this problem? Sure, but I need to get over myself and stop thinking I don't need help, especially if it's available to me. It doesn't make me crazy, unreliable, less of a mom or less of a friend. I'm still the same Tamara everyone knows and loves. I just need a little fine tuning is all. I know I'll be just fine. Stay tuned!

So.Very..CLOSE!

Today I had my weigh in and although I haven't reached my 10% weight loss goal, I lost a pound and still have .4 to go before I finally reach 10%. It's not as easy as I thought! Of course if I'd exercised more, tracked EVERYTHING, and stopped eating late at night I've had met that goal. It's ok. I've lost 21.6 pounds since January 4th. It's been a slow, but steady loss and I'm still happy. My clothes are loose, bras are loose, I feel better, and my blood work from my last checkup showed my cholesterol was normal. I'm in higher spirits, too. 
I find myself being less of a Negative Nancy and more like a female version of Tony Robbins, lol!


My other half and I put in our rental applications today for a bigger apartment. The apartment is lovely. I know we'll love loving there. However, I'm more excited about the basketball court. It's large and I was told it can be used for games and such. I was more excited about using the gym to teach Zumba classes. Yes, that's right, Zumba. When I lose 20% of my starting weight I'm going to take the course to become a certified Zumba instructor. It will cost close to $300 to take the one day class, HOWEVER, I'll be certified for a year, can get a discount on Zumba gear, and I can get a job teaching classes. I'd love to start with giving free classes in the gym at that apartment complex until I get comfortable in front of groups. 


That's all for now. I just wanted to say that although I still haven't hit my 10%, I'm still feeling great, and I'm not giving up. I've got this!

There's This Thing Called a Belt

Yesterday I decided to break down and FINALLY buy a belt for my pants. Since I've so far lost a bit over 20 pounds and 3 inches off of my waist my pants have been doing some serious sagging. Also, I don't need to unbutton them to take them off. I want new clothes, but I'm holding off for a little bit because as I keep losing weight, I'll have to keep replenishing my supply of clothes, and that gets expensive. So, I found myself looking at the nice belts at Fred Meyer yesterday. To my delight, not only were they on sale, but there was a 15% off coupon for them, too. My daughter Paris was with me, and she was very impatient, and kept whining for me to hurry. I wanted to try the belts on in the fitting room, because I wanted privacy. Paris was whining about that, too, so I said this to her: "You either come with me to the fitting room so I can try these belts on, or get embarrassed because my pants fell down." She said nothing and followed me to the fitting room. :-)
I'm now the proud owner of a reversible belt-it's black on one side and brown on the other. I haven't been able to wear a belt for 2 years now. It feels good to need one. Now the challenge will be to see how long it takes until I have to tighten the belt a little more. 


In other news, I went to my weigh in today, and I had lost .4 pounds. No, it wasn't the number I expected, however, a loss is a loss, no matter how small. Each and every little bit adds years to my life and makes me healthier. I'm thankful. I've got this!

I Fought Off A Mac Attack

Tonight after work I went to Walmart to pick up a few groceries. I decide to make breakfast for dinner. I'll get more into that shortly. Anyway, it had been a few hours since I'd had lunch, and the "golden arches" of McDonald's appeared before me. They're in a lot of the Walmart stores. I had already done my shopping, but my tummy was growling. I wasn't sure I could make it home without stopping to get a hamburger. Worse, what was running through my mind was, "MAC ATTACK! MAC ATTACK!" I wanted a Big Mac. It's been so long since I've had one. Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Yummy! It's always been my favorite sandwich. I pushed my cart into the McDonald's looked at the menu, and then I quickly turned the cart around and made my way out of the store. I had just purchased bananas, and decided that a banana would have to do! I took one out and walked through the parking lot, with the rain pouring down on me as I ate my banana. I'm sure it was an interesting sight. I had no coat on, and I was in no hurry. I was smiling because I had resisted the urge to give in to the Big Mac, which may or may not contain all beef patties now that I think of it. :-)


A Big Mac has a 14 Points Plus value. 14!! That's just the burger. Tonight I had an 8 Points Plus breakfast for dinner and I was satisfied and didn't feel deprived. It was 3 pancakes, with mixed berries, sugar free syrup, a touch of light whipped cream, and 3 slices of turkey bacon. The pancakes were made of 1/3 cup of fat free cottage cheese, a package of oatmeal, and 1/3 cup of Egg Beaters. It was surprisingly good! In fact I could only eat 1/2 of my meal! 


This was taken before I put whipped cream on them. 

Believe me, there will come a day when I give into temptation and have a Big Mac, but right now, I'm ok without one. I can make my own Big Mac. I can use REAL beef or ground turkey, make my own sauce that has ingredients I can pronounce and add some real minced onions, not dehydrated ones. Maybe I can call it the Big Mama. :-) 

I'm THISCLOSE to 10%-Up to Date Stats

I feel like I'm one of the runners up here!

Yesterday I went to my Weight Watchers meeting and weighed in, and to my dismay, I feel short of my 10% goal by a pound and a half, though I did lose 2.5 pounds. I said, "But I was so good!" Was I really, though? I exercised almost daily, was sticking to the plan, BUT wasn't totally honest when it came to tracking. I have a scale, and try my best to measure out my portions exactly as they should be served. However, my idea of leveling off that half cup, for example, was to eat the little extra bit. I didn't track those points. It really does add up! I can track till I'm blue in the face, but if I'm not counting that taste here and there, that piece of candy, that sip of soda, or whatever it is, I'm not being honest, and therefore should not be surprised if the scale shows that.


The upside to all of this is I've lost 20 pounds since January 4th. I'm in the 10th week of the program so that's not too bad. It's a slow, yet safe weight loss. I've seen people lose weight too quickly, only to gain it back. I want to do this the right way. I didn't put all this weight on overnight, so I can't expect to lose it overnight either.


I'm not going to be alone in my weight loss journey either. My other half has decided to go to a meeting tomorrow. He knows he needs it. He's not doing it for me, he's doing it for himself. He has some health issues, and I truly believe that if he starts shedding pounds he'll feel better emotionally as well as physically. I'm proud of him for taking that first step.


Now for some up-to-date stats:

Starting weight: 222.8
Current weight: 202.6


Starting waist size: 43 inches
Current waist size: 40 inches


Starting hips size: 53 inches
Current hips size 49.5 inches


I have just a bit over a pound until I've reached a 10% loss of my starting weight, and I have a long way to go. I'm going forward, however, with optimism. 

4.2 is the Magic Number!

Today I went to the doctor for a check up and to see if I can get my ovarian cyst treated. To make a long story short, things are in place to get treatment. First I'll try a birth control pill that has a higher dose of estrogen than I'm already taking and then in 3 months time I'll follow up with him to see if that's helped. If not, we'll go from there. It was nice to talk to someone who seems genuinely interested in my well-being. I'm on the road to recovery where my reproductive system is concerned. 


Now, regarding my weight loss journey. Part of the process when you visit the doctor is to get blood pressure and weight checked. Tomorrow is my weigh in at Weight Watchers. I asked the nurse if I could turn around and that she not reveal my weight. I wanted so badly to see my number, but if I've reached my goal of losing 10% of my starting weight (or 4.2 pounds since last week) I want to share that with the leader and the members at my meeting tomorrow. I am all about being the center of attention for something like this! I love the recognition. We'll see what happens tomorrow, and of course I'll give an update here. 


Before I go, I wanted to share a picture that another Weight Watchers member shared on Facebook. It really makes you rethink getting upset over just a pound of weight loss. Knowing I've so far lost 17.8 of this is mind blowing!