Always the Fat Girl

I work in a grocery store. I get to see lots of people. There are the regulars that come in daily, and then some that come in once or twice a week. There is a favorite customer of mine that comes in once or twice a week. I noticed him about 3 months ago. He always comes in after his workout, buys a few things and goes to the self checkout where I work. We've chatted a little bit here and there, and every time he leaves I get teased because my face is flaming red from blushing. He's very attractive, nice, and funny. More on him in just a bit.

My plans have been finalized to go back to Missouri. A very nice person bought the plane tickets for my daughter and me. We fly out November 28th. I'm very excited and scared at the same time. I have no job waiting for me, not even a lead. I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. I just want to get home to my family and be happy. I may struggle a bit, but at least I know I'll be surrounded by people who love me and can lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on if I need it. 

Back to the favorite customer. Since I'm single now, I decided that it would do no harm to ask this guy out for a cup of coffee, especially since I'll no longer be around. I had been looking for him to come back into the store so I could ask him out. I knew what I wanted to say: "My last day here is November 23, and then I'm moving out of the state. I won't get to see my favorite customer anymore (he knows he's my favorite) so we should go have a cup of coffee sometime soon before I leave." I even imagined that I'd pout a little as I said I wouldn't be working there anymore, I'd smile, and be my typical flirty self. Well, he came into work the other night and it was my time to shine! I was going to step out of my comfort zone and ask him out to coffee. I talked to him. I told him I was leaving. He told me he hopes I have a safe trip and he understands why I'm leaving. I was blushing, and then the words I wanted to say failed to escape me. I chickened out!

Why? I was looking at this gorgeous man, and thinking to myself, "Why would he want to go out with this fat girl?" I kept telling my coworkers that the worst he would say is no and that's ok, but you know what, it's not ok. I would have taken it as something personal and felt rejected. 

I've written at least two blogs about my increased confidence, but that night I felt like the fat girl again. I didn't even give this guy a chance to reject me. I just assumed he would. I have to get out of this mindset that I am the "big girl" or the "fat girl". When I shop for clothes, I immediately wander to the plus size section first. Most of those things don't fit me anymore! I walk to the misses section, but there is that part of me that thinks I'm going to get strange looks because I don't belong there. BUT I DO!!! I've proven I can wear smaller clothes. I'm wearing them right now! What is it going to take for me to accept that I'm not that fat girl anymore?? It won't be my friends and family telling me how good I look. It won't be the strangers flirting with me. It's all on me to believe in myself and know that what I'm seeing in the mirror is not the "fat girl". I'm not skinny by all means, and I'm medically considered obese. But I've come a long, long way and I need to see what others see. I need to believe it's real!

I have to believe because I have two daughters who look up to me. What kind of example do I set for them if I refer to myself as fat, a cow, or a pig. It's time to toss out the big girl panties, put on my smaller girl panties and face the fact that although I'm not perfect, I need to be proud of myself and how far I've come. I need to tell that fat girl to get out of my head. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU ANYMORE!!!

A New and Improved Tamara

This morning I couldn't make it to my Weight Watchers meeting because my child is ill, so I decided to go this evening. I was going to chicken out and skip the scale and just go to meeting, but decided to face the music and put my big girl panties on and deal with it.(FYI, them "big girl panties" aren't so big anymore!) I gained 2.4 pounds last week. Now my leader said that a person's weight can fluctuate somewhere between 2 and 3 pounds before morning and evening, but I know I gained something. I was not tracking everything last week. There were a couple days when I really was a chowhound. Take yesterday for example. Yesterday was the last day of tax season, which meant it was my last day until next year at H&R Block. Our office had a potluck. There was pizza, tater tot casserole, chips, dips, hummus, and Baklava. Every chance I could get I was running back to the break room to munch on something. Today the scale reflected that. 


The old Tamara would have been pissing and moaning about it. The new Tamara, however, knows where I went wrong. I knew what was coming. I didn't even have the nerve to be disappointed because I KNEW I had gained those 2.4 pounds with no one else's help but my own. That was my moment today. I didn't get upset, didn't call myself a failure, I didn't get down on myself. I just said, "Oh well". I'm proud of myself for accepting this little setback and not making a huge deal of it. I know I will do better next week. And in a couple of weeks I'll have lost 30 pounds. Stay tuned!

The Scale Went in the Wrong Direction This Week

It was bound to happen. I know that the weight loss journey is LITERALLY filled with ups and downs, but I'd much rather have "downs", meaning that I'm losing weight. Tonight at my weigh in I discovered I'd gained .4 pounds, so not even a 1/2 pound. Should I beat myself up over that? No. But am I? You bet. Why? Because I KNOW better. I know exactly where I went wrong. I did not track EVERYTHING. When you're on the Weight Watchers Points Plus plan, unless you're using the "Simply Filling" technique (I can explain another time) you must track every single thing you put in your mouth. I mentioned in a previous blog entry that I had a bad day and consumed a lot of food. That was the day I didn't track, and the scale reflected that tonight. 

I learned that not only do I need to track my meals and snacks, but every time I taste something I need to track that, too. For example, tonight when I made dinner, I tasted a couple of bites of steak that I put in my salad. I tracked those tastes, and gave each one a point. 

I'm going to stop beating myself up, brush myself off, and get back on the right track. I know what I need to do, and it's time to get back to it. This is not going to be a blog just about my journey, it will be about my success. I can do this! No, I WILL do this! 

Check out the following pics. The first is an example of playing with my food, lol. The second was dinner tonight. I made steak salad. It was pretty darn good. There was only 2 ounces of meat on it, but it went a long way. It goes to show that in the past my portion sizes were way out of control!

Saying Goodbye to My Best Friend

I knew that at some point I'd slip up and consume way too many points in a day. I had a bad day a few days ago and decided to "eat my feelings" as my oldest daughter says. I had pizza, fried chicken and these yummy delightful potato rounds called "spuds". Even as I ate the 3 pieces of VERY cheesy pizza, that was so hot it almost burned the roof of my mouth I felt guilty. Sure I was hungry, but not THAT hungry. I was stuffed after the second piece of pizza and first piece of chicken. I didn't stop there, however. I had those spuds. They were heavenly. I think that now I am paying the price. My pants are feeling kind of snug. I checked my calendar, and it looks like that time of the month will come in about 2 weeks, so perhaps I'm just retaining water.

Whatever the case, I need to stop beating myself up. I've been doing that for the past couple days. In the past when I was having a pity party I'd eat more food. This time I haven't. I'm just trying to move on from that one episode. Things happen, people slip up. I just didn't want to this time. At a previous Weight Watchers meeting we talked about how most of us are emotional eaters. That is so me. I find that when there is no one to talk to and make me feel better, all I have to do is pop a piece of chocolate in my mouth and there is instant gratification and satisfaction. The flavor doesn't last long, but the calories do! I need to remember this when I eat something that is not really good for me, or when I turn to food for "friendship". Food can't talk to me. It can't tell me that everything is going to be ok. It can't tell me to stop. Don't get me wrong, food is not an enemy,  but if I don't make the right choices and continue to turn to food as a sort of comfort it will be my enemy that could ultimately lead to my death! Now is that a friend? I don't think so. The next time I feel like the urge to eat a cheeseburger or pizza is too much to resist, and I can't find a healthier alternative, I'll pick up the phone and call a REAL friend. A friend who won't let me do this to myself! A friend who cares that I'm using my body as a garbage dump. Ha! Take that, Food! You can't be my best friend anymore. You can be an acquaintance. I hope you understand.