It's Ok to Be a Weight Watcher

It’s ok if you see me with a donut.  I am going to track it and make sure that I get in some activity to work it off.

It’s ok if I talk about food.  Better to talk about it than eat too much of it.

It’s ok that I track everything and tell you about the points value.  You don’t have to listen, but it means a lot if you do.

It’s ok that I gain a ½ pound after working hard all week.  My pants now need a belt, so I am doing something right.

It’s ok if I pass on that cheeseburger.  I’ve eaten too many of them, obviously.

It’s ok if I don’t pass on that cheeseburger, either.  They are delicious, juicy, mouth-watering…I better stop.

It’s ok if it I lose weight at a slower rate than you do.  It’s a slow process, but there is progress nonetheless.

It’s ok if I have to just sit down and veg out. I listen to my body.

It’s ok if you think that Weight Watchers is some kind of cult, or it’s just a bunch of people who talk about their feelings regarding food.  It’s ok, because they are there to support me, whether I lose or gain a pound.  My leader and the members there know the struggle, and they understand me.  They don’t judge.

It’s ok that I am proud to be a Weight Watcher, who celebrates even the smallest victories.  They keep me motivated.

It’s ok if you want to follow this journey of mine. I know it’s so cliché, but I can’t think of any other way to put it, and that’s ok, too. I hope you are there when I reach my destination. 

It’s ok for me to believe I will succeed!

You're More than Just a Number

What does a successful weight loss look like to you? Is it getting on the scale and seeing a smaller number? Is it that moment when you realize that you are no longer a “plus size’? Does it mean you get to go on a shopping spree in your own closet because there are several pairs of jeans that now fit?

I have found that success comes in a lot of ways, such as those listed above. There are scale victories and then there are non-scale victories. Of course it is great to get on a scale and see a smaller number, but we get so caught up and focused on that number that we don’t see the other changes that have occurred as a result of our efforts. I haven’t lost a lot of weight, (yet) but I am feeling better. My pants loose and I have tops that are loose as well. I find that I can walk right by the sweets when I’m at the store. I CAN say no. Sometimes I say yes, and that’s ok, because I track it. I fit it into my plan. My behaviors have changed. The way I look at food has changed. Others are taking notice, too.

I’m not saying the scale doesn’t matter, but don’t make it the only thing that determines whether or not you are successful. If you aren’t taking notice, I am sure someone is. Listen to the positive feedback. Celebrate that! Celebrate your non-scale victories. Share your story. Believe it or not, someone may need some encouragement and may be inspired to see someone working so hard to change. 

But I Don't Want to Put on My Big Girl Panties!

I think I can speak for my friends when I say that it feels good to have a new pair of panties, especially when they match your bra. I see ads for cute bra and panty sets all the time, and the models are always built just right, and they're smiling seductively and they know they look good.  Let's face it, if I put on a cute set, I don't look even close to the model on the tags or in the ads I see. I wish I could tell you that I can look at myself and be proud, but I see all the lumps and bumps and I hate it. I got my myself in this position, and if you read my last blog, you know that I am trying to change that. 

I know that I should love myself the way I look, but let's get real-I have too much on my body to love, too much that could potentially be life threatening. I admit, I have some vanity. I know that I am pretty, but I'd like the body to look as good as the face. I want to go to Victoria Secret with confidence, knowing I can find a sexy bra and panty set that will fit me. I want to be able to get ready for work in the morning in just my bra and panties without feeling self conscious about all the extra flesh hanging out and about. I want to feel like I can get on a pole and look sexy instead of silly. Wait, did I really just say I want to pole dance? Ok, back to the point. I know my man loves me, wobbily bits  and all, so my wanting to get healthier has nothing to do with how he feels about me. I know that there are plenty of men out there who appreciate voluptuous ladies like me. I know they feel like they need "something to hold on to", but I see nothing wrong with having a little less to hold.


Speaking of less, let's go back to panties. I know that there are sexy underwear for people in my size, but it usually means I have to go to Lane Bryant, Fredericks of Hollywood, or a major department store, and thanks to my extra weight, the panties cost extra money.  I was at Walmart last night and was checking out all the underwear choices and I saw all the cutesy boy shorts, thongs, low rise panties, etc. When I got to my size, I swear it was mostly larger "you aren't getting any" panties. It was a little ,depressing. With a heavy heart I have to confess I had to go with the "you aren't getting any" briefs. However, I have to admit, they are pretty comfy. They will have to do for now. 

I may not love my body for how it is, but I do love me. And because I love myself I will do what I can to get healthier and into smaller panties of course. Hopefully thongs will still be in style when I reach my goal. :-)

Get Busy!

What motivates you to lose weight? Do you have a wedding you want to attend and want to fit into a dress size that you haven't been in since you were 13? Are you trying to do this crash diet to get to your ideal weight within 3 weeks? Is it true that after a week of  practically starving yourself you will be walking through the dress section of your favorite store with a box of Girl Scout cookies, almost in tears because you are tired of paying extra money for extra fabric? 
Why do you do this to yourself? I have known a lot of people, myself included, who have tried these "crash" diets that promise fast results only to be disappointed in the end because the weight comes back on. There has to be some effort to keep the weight off. If you have just a few pounds to lose, by all means drink that cabbage juice 3 times a day. You might be on the toilet all day, but you might just get into those jeans you used to rock like you did that mullet back in the day. 

I'd rather play it safe and make lifestyle changes. It's seem so easy-exercise, balanced meals, sleep, no stress-but it takes hard work and committed. I have stopped and started to get back on track so many times I lost count. I haven't tried crash diets. In fact, I haven't tried much at all. I did get excited there for a minute, was exercising and posting my "sweat pics" for my friends in our Facebook weight loss group, but then I lost my steam. I got depressed, stressed, tired, and just gave up. I turned to my comfort foods, and decided that I wanted to see just how wide my ass could get. Now I am seeing and feeling how much I have hurt myself. I am even more tired, stressed, and depressed because I am not doing anything to make it better. I miss the high that I got from exercise. I had less headaches, I needed less coffee, I had more pep in my step. Now to add to the emotional downfalls of not exercising my heartburn made a comeback. I haven't had regular heartburn since 2008 when I was at my highest weight of 250 pounds. When I was walking the trash up to the dumpster the other night that was the last straw. The trek to the dumpster is a small one with a tiny incline. Two years ago I walked up there with no issue. The other night I was panting like I had tried to climb Mt. Everest. I have friends that can run a 5k with no problem. I walked up a damn hill and felt like I overdid it. That is a damn shame and it's time I do something about it. 

I know, you've heard this song and dance before. I am not going to lie, I am sure there will be more stops and starts, but the point is to start, and not give up. I can't sit here and feel sorry for myself if I am not doing something about it. My dad has one leg now due to complications from his diabetes. My mom has had surgery to put stents in to help her heart. I am always afraid of losing them. I don't want my kids and boyfriend to worry about my health and worry about losing me. I can't be another statistic. I refuse. I can't continue to watch My 600 Pound Life while eating cheese fries. 

What is going to motivate me? Life. I want to live a healthier and longer life. 
I will end with a quote from one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption:
"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'."

What's Your Excuse?

"I'm too tired."
"I don't have enough time."
"The kids need me."
"I can't afford to go to the gym."

Do any of these sound familiar to you? These are some of the common reasons (excuses) that people use to not work out. How do I know them? Because I have used every single one of those excuses and probably some more creative ones like "I don't want my boyfriend to see my wobbly bits bouncing all over the place."

Right now the excuse of the month for me is "I'm too tired." Hmm, I wonder why? Well, right now it's nearing 11 p.m. as I am typing this. I need to get up and get ready for work at 5:45. If I go to bed soon, I can get almost 7 hours of sleep. Last night I went to bed close to midnight. Today I had a fast food breakfast, fast food lunch and leftover pizza for dinner that we had last night. We were supposed to go out to dinner last night, but we were too tired. I wish we had, because between last night and tonight I polished off an entire pizza by myself. Now I feel super bloated and surprise-TIRED!
I am making myself tired. I come home, clean, cook, and spend time with my family. That doesn't make me tired. It's the crap I'm putting in my mouth and the late nights. If I were treating my body right, I could come home, work out, and still have time to make a good meal for my family and clean. Plus, I'd be tired enough after to get to bed earlier.

 Sounds so simple, doesn't it? It's because it is. I am my own obstacle. Chances are, you're getting in your own way, too. Basically, if you want something bad enough you go for it. I was looking at the Team Beachbody message boards and this member talked about how his wife, who has multiple sclerosis and is in a wheelchair had success with P90x. This made me feel ashamed. I can walk, I have no debilitating diseases, and this woman with MS completed one of the hardest workout programs out there! I am tired of getting in my own way. I'm telling you, stop getting in your own way! There is a way to fit in just a few minutes of exercise. There is a way to eat healthier, even if you are on a budget. Do your research! The next time you find yourself coming up with an excuse not to work out, think of that woman with MS. Think of all the other success stories you hear.
It's important to be honest and tell you that I started this entry 2 nights ago. Guess what? I was too tired to finish it.

I'm going to start an excuse jar, kind of like a swear jar.  Every time I find myself making an excuse to not exercise or make an excuse to eat the sundae I just had, I'll put in a quarter. Let's see if I can keep from filling it. Stay tuned!

 

Cheater!

I started writing this blog 3 years ago because my dad's declining health scared me enough to make some changes. Well, in 3 years I could have reached my goal, but I'm now 10 pounds away from my starting weight. I've tried several weight loss methods. What I tried didn't fail. I failed! Weight Watchers has been the most successful for me by far. I lost 42 pounds. I also completed the Focus T-25 program from Team Beachbody. Well, what happened?

I became a slave to food again. I began eating when I was bored, stressed, tired, etc. I started eating just because someone else did. I also stopped exercising. Mix bad food choices with a sedentary lifestyle and you get one tired, bloated, crabby woman. My headaches came back daily, when they were almost absent while I was actively trying to lose weight.

I have no issues eating healthy. I love to eat healthy. I just need to stop making excuses to have the carbs and sugar. I need to stop saying, "I'll start again tomorrow." Someone told me "Everyone needs a cheat day." No you don't! When you cheat on a program, you cheat yourself. You're adding extra fat, sugar, or wherever else to work off. Why do that to yourself? I have cheated myself for years. I've cheated myself out of smaller clothes. I've cheated myself out of more productive days off because I'm too tired and lazy. No more cheating! I am tired of wasting time. I keep starting over and over again. My dad doesn't get to start over. Due to complications from his diabetes he lost a leg. I want to keep my limbs and my life!

How will I do that? By exercising some self control & limiting my sugar intake. Writing out grocery lists and sticking to them. Most importantly, if I do slip, I won't put myself down, because that will just lead me to feel sorry for myself and say "What the hell?" and eat some more.

I want to inspire others to succeed. That won't happen if I keep cheating. No one likes a cheater!

Courage

It takes courage to admit when you have a problem. Some may see it as a sign of weakness if you can't handle issues on your own. They prefer to fight their battles alone. When it comes to the battle of the bulge, I'm declaring war.

I’m tired of being scared of how my life is going to turn out if I don’t make changes. Making changes and having a healthier lifestyle is not easy. The weight did not come on overnight and it certainly will not come off overnight either. Like it or not, there are no quick fixes.

Too many people give up because they don’t see results quickly enough.

It’s not just about having discipline. It takes courage. Courage to hang in there when your 35 year old friend with metabolism of a teenager wolfs down 3 donuts while you pretend that the gluten-free toast with manufactured eggs and non-dairy cheese is THE best thing ever. It takes courage to eat that bag of chips while binge watching The Walking Dead, get on the scale at your weekly weigh in AND own up to the fact that the gain is YOUR fault. It takes even more courage to NOT do that again. Most of all, when it seems like you have no support system, when people are making fun of you with your tracker, laughing at your “weird foods”, and even tempting you with foods you are trying to avoid it takes courage to keep going. Remember why you started to lose weight in the first place. It’s about you, first and foremost. YOUR health. YOUR well-being. You are brave. You started this journey that too many people are too scared or proud to admit that they need to take. I wish you safe travels and success. 

I'm Baaaaack!

It has been quite some time since I last wrote.

A lot has happened. To sum it all up: I live in Missouri now, I found true love, and I found some pounds to go with it.

2013 was quite a year, and 2014 has started off quite interesting as well. My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. My dad was hospitalized for congestive heart failure. A week ago today I had a car wreck and hit a tree.

I’ve been up and down emotionally, and old habits die hard so you can guess how I’ve coped: eating. I am just 5 pounds from getting up to 200 pounds again. I am still that fat girl, who thinks about what I’m going to have for dinner, when I’ve barely finished my breakfast. My boyfriend lost 40 pounds in a 13 week period on P90x, but due to some stress and changes in his life, he has also gained weight back.

How am I going to get back to that confident, sassy, and motivational fireball again? Well, at my job we are doing our own version of The Biggest Loser. Each week we will weigh in and the person with the highest percentage of fat lost will win $12. At the end of the 10 weeks, the biggest loser will get $120. I had to put in $16 to enter the contest and I am determined to get that back and then some. I know that this week I will have a gain, because it has been a fast food free-for-all for me. Next week, however, watch out! I will start back on Focus T25, a Beach Body program started by Shawn T. I consider it to be a stepping stone to finally have a healthy lifestyle. Don’t worry. I am still bound and determined to be a Zumba instructor. Those of you that have read my blogs know I have wanted to do that for a long time.

This is the year folks. I am kicking ass and taking initials because I have no time to take names! Stay tuned!

Always the Fat Girl

I work in a grocery store. I get to see lots of people. There are the regulars that come in daily, and then some that come in once or twice a week. There is a favorite customer of mine that comes in once or twice a week. I noticed him about 3 months ago. He always comes in after his workout, buys a few things and goes to the self checkout where I work. We've chatted a little bit here and there, and every time he leaves I get teased because my face is flaming red from blushing. He's very attractive, nice, and funny. More on him in just a bit.

My plans have been finalized to go back to Missouri. A very nice person bought the plane tickets for my daughter and me. We fly out November 28th. I'm very excited and scared at the same time. I have no job waiting for me, not even a lead. I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. I just want to get home to my family and be happy. I may struggle a bit, but at least I know I'll be surrounded by people who love me and can lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on if I need it. 

Back to the favorite customer. Since I'm single now, I decided that it would do no harm to ask this guy out for a cup of coffee, especially since I'll no longer be around. I had been looking for him to come back into the store so I could ask him out. I knew what I wanted to say: "My last day here is November 23, and then I'm moving out of the state. I won't get to see my favorite customer anymore (he knows he's my favorite) so we should go have a cup of coffee sometime soon before I leave." I even imagined that I'd pout a little as I said I wouldn't be working there anymore, I'd smile, and be my typical flirty self. Well, he came into work the other night and it was my time to shine! I was going to step out of my comfort zone and ask him out to coffee. I talked to him. I told him I was leaving. He told me he hopes I have a safe trip and he understands why I'm leaving. I was blushing, and then the words I wanted to say failed to escape me. I chickened out!

Why? I was looking at this gorgeous man, and thinking to myself, "Why would he want to go out with this fat girl?" I kept telling my coworkers that the worst he would say is no and that's ok, but you know what, it's not ok. I would have taken it as something personal and felt rejected. 

I've written at least two blogs about my increased confidence, but that night I felt like the fat girl again. I didn't even give this guy a chance to reject me. I just assumed he would. I have to get out of this mindset that I am the "big girl" or the "fat girl". When I shop for clothes, I immediately wander to the plus size section first. Most of those things don't fit me anymore! I walk to the misses section, but there is that part of me that thinks I'm going to get strange looks because I don't belong there. BUT I DO!!! I've proven I can wear smaller clothes. I'm wearing them right now! What is it going to take for me to accept that I'm not that fat girl anymore?? It won't be my friends and family telling me how good I look. It won't be the strangers flirting with me. It's all on me to believe in myself and know that what I'm seeing in the mirror is not the "fat girl". I'm not skinny by all means, and I'm medically considered obese. But I've come a long, long way and I need to see what others see. I need to believe it's real!

I have to believe because I have two daughters who look up to me. What kind of example do I set for them if I refer to myself as fat, a cow, or a pig. It's time to toss out the big girl panties, put on my smaller girl panties and face the fact that although I'm not perfect, I need to be proud of myself and how far I've come. I need to tell that fat girl to get out of my head. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU ANYMORE!!!

Exit 40

This past weekend I drove to Vancouver, Washington with my youngest daughter so we can go to the birthday party of my friend's daughter, and spend the night. 

It was exit 40 that got me to thinking about my love life. What is the significance of exit 40? Well, in 2010 I met an ex of mine on a social networking site. At the time that we began talking, he was living in Vancouver, and I was in Tacoma. When we decided to meet in person, we chose exit 40 because it was kind of in the middle. I say "kind of" because for me it was more than halfway, but as always I was willing to go the extra mile-no pun intended. Long story short, we aren't together anymore, but as I passed this exit, I got angry. Since he and I broke up, I've passed the exit a couple of times and felt really sad because it reminded me of our first date and how good things were back then. This time I was so mad because I came to the realization that I have gone out of my way several times for some guy! I even moved from Tacoma to be near him, and after eight months of ups and downs and feeling in last place most of the time I ended the relationship. 

I can remember earlier that year driving to Everett and to Shoreline to meet other people. These people didn't bother to even meet me halfway! Where are they now? One never called after our date. Perhaps it's because I didn't want to have sex with him. The other just kept putting me off. There was always SOMETHING going on. He couldn't even send a simple text message. In 2008 shortly after I ended things with my youngest daughter's father, I drove to Eastern Washington to be with someone. After weeks of sweet text messages and long phone conversations I was convinced he was the one. After driving there, which was 6 hours round trip, I was told he wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship after I had asked "What happens now?" Did I walk away with my head held high? No, I WENT BACK a second time!  Can you say, DESPERATE????? 

And I've done it again! Remember when I moved to Vancouver to be near a man? Well, after we broke up I moved to Oregon because a former friend of mine said the cost of living was better, and I'd have her and her family if I needed them for anything.I found a roommate and after living with him for two months he put his house up for sale and told me that his girlfriend and her daughter needed a place to live. I was seeing someone that I met online and we decided that I'd move back up to Washington to move in with him. However, before this happened we had discussed the possibility of him moving to Oregon because his family was there, but his son wouldn't go for it. So, once again, I was the one relocating my life. 

Why have I let this happen so many times? Why have I not stood up and told these people that I am worth the extra mile? Why have I allowed myself to be so desperate? It's not so much because I was lonely. I think it's been lack of confidence. For so long I didn't believe that I deserved better. Well, that has changed. 
Although my weight loss has literally had some ups and downs, it has given me hope and confidence. I know now that I don't deserve to be treated like I'm the bottom of someone's totem pole. I KNOW that if I meet someone that yes, HE is lucky to have me just as much as I may be to have him. 

It's time to set a better example to my daughters and show them that I won't take anything less than the best. I AM WORTH THE EFFORT! 

Almost 20% Off! No, Not a Great Sale-20% off of ME!

Last week wasn't so great for me. I was bloated, got food poisoning, and was stressed to the max.
I had some good and bad days as far as the eating goes. I did not track my food or activity, yet somehow managed to lose 4.6 pounds. I'm happy, yet I'm a little ticked at myself for not staying on plan and tracking everything. I was doing a lot of estimating in my head as far as how many points I was consuming. I think the weight loss is lucky, to be honest. 

Today I just realized 2 things. I am just a half pound away from a 40 pound weight loss and I am 5.2 pounds away from having lost 20% of my starting weight. A goal of mine is to get certified to become a Zumba instructor once I've lost 20%. I'm excited. It may take some time to get certified, because the classes cost money and they fill up quickly. There are 2 classes available in September. One is September 8th and still has space, but I won't have the $225 in time. The other class is September 22nd and is already sold out. I hope that more open up very soon! 

I admit that I've slacked off quite a bit, but today when I realized I'm so close to another milestone I had a talk with myself, and said that all that slacking off, mindless snacking, and laziness ends today! I'm going to plan out my week, which will include exercise and meals. I should have been at 20% long ago. However, I'm still a happy girl. I have more energy, I can wear smaller clothes, and I have more confidence as I've mentioned in other blogs. 

I'm off to do a walk now. It's kind of warm out there but I am NOT letting that get in my way. I've let too many things get in the way of my success. Mainly myself! Not today and not ever again. I DO deserve the very best and damn it I'm going to get it!

Non Scale Victories-Pictures, too!

I haven't posted in a bit because I've been busy, and unfortunately have had some stressful days and the scale reflected just how much I've been stressing. I fell back into bad habits, making food my friend. However, I've snapped out of that for the most part, and I've been trying hard to get back on track.


I've had some things to celebrate. I am able to wear misses size clothes. I discovered this a few weeks ago when I went shopping with my friend. She was pushing me away from the plus size section. I found some jeans in a size 16 misses that were a great price. I tried them on and was skeptical. To me, my thighs looked kind of big. I think it was that self talk I've been so used to all this time. I had to step out of the fitting room and look in the larger mirror outside the door. One of the fitting room attendants stopped and exclaimed, "Those look REALLY good on you. I wouldn't just say that, either. Really good!" I took another look at myself and then explained to her that I've been in plus sized clothes for so long and it was hard to believe I could fit into these jeans. Then I started to cry. They were happy tears, of course.
Another thing to celebrate is my shrinking bra size. I'm now a 38DD. If I wanted I could go to Victoria's Secret and get bras. Oh, and I had to add holes to my belt! So, when the scale is not moving in the direction I want it to go, I have to remind myself that I am making progress. The scale is not the only thing to determine my success! 


The biggest non scale victory for me is hearing my 8 year old tell me I look skinnier. You know how kids are. They are painfully honest. She's never hesitated to tell me if I look big. She always tells me now that I look pretty. If I start to say I look fat in something, she stops me. If I eat something that isn't the best for me, she reminds me that I may exceed my daily points plus values. There are times that I am horrified and embarrassed by the things she says, but these days if it means helping me stay on track, I'm forgiving. 


Take a look at the pics below. These are me in my MISSES jeans. 

The Next Time You Eat That Donut...

It's been awhile. I'd like to say that I've been too successful in my weight loss to write, but that's not the case. The fact is, I'm tired. I'm working full time, I'm on my feet a lot, and when I get home, I eat and rest. Therefore, I'm still losing, but it's at a very slow pace, because I'm not trying hard to make it happen. Until today I had stopped tracking, stopped exercising and wasn't getting enough sleep.


That all changed today at the weekly weigh in. I lost .6. So if the scale measures in tenths, that's 3/5 of a pound. I can do so much better than this. I was happy to have a lost, considering what I've eaten lately, but it was admitting that I ate donuts that made me realize I've really fallen off the wagon lately. When I confessed I ate them, I may not have shown it, but I was ashamed. At the time I ate the donuts, I was back to the old Tamara. I didn't just have one, I looked around, made sure no one was coming and grabbed a second one. By the way, these were provided courtesy of my work. That first donut went down too quickly. It was soft, gooey, and perfect. I didn't even bother to calculate the points on these donuts until now.  One medium size glazed donut is 7 pp. Remember I had two of them. That's 14. I get 26 daily points. I ate over half my daily allowance. What's even more disturbing is the nutritional breakdown. I did some Googling and according to one site I found one donut has 255 whopping calories and 12 grams of fat among other things. Eek!

I had the nerve to scoff at the person who had only taken half of a donut. Me! What am I, some expert just because I've lost 33.6 pounds? Absolutely not! Today's meeting was about questioning if the points in something you want is worth it. If I had actually taken the time to look up this info before I consumed TWO donuts, I honestly think I would have allowed myself half of one. I love donuts. It only takes a few bites to satisfy whatever craving it is I have. I wish I could explain what came over me. Maybe the fact that they were free gave me that excuse. I haven't purchased any, so that tells you right there that I didn't want them bad enough. 


A coworker of mine recently told me that she's using me as a motivator to help achieve her weight loss goals. The girl is going to gym for 3-4 hours at a time! She's eating better. It's already showing. There is no freaking way that I'm going to be an inspiration to anyone if I'm sitting back popping donuts like they're crack. It's time to light that fire under my butt again. Anyone have a match?

I love Myself!

No, I'm not full of myself or conceited. I really love myself. It took some time for me to feel this way. I've looked at myself for years and thought that I have a pretty face, BUT I'm fat. I have a pretty face, BUT I have a big butt, etc. Today, there are no BUTS! I still have a butt, though, lol!! Seriously though, even if I'm still a work in progress, I can look at myself and like and accept what I see. I have pretty eyes, a nice smile, and my body is starting to show my natural curves that have been hidden under fat. I like taking pictures of myself, because I like what I'm seeing these days. I have many pounds to go before I reach my weight loss goal, however, if I didn't have the confidence I do now I wouldn't be losing weight. Negativity gets me nowhere. Saying I'm a fat slob just provides the opposite results and sends me diving into the refrigerator for comfort food. I've had to tell myself that I AM a beautiful person that is worthy of love and who can accomplish anything and that positive self talk is working. 

I encourage anyone who needs to lose some weight to think about the reasons you want to lose the weight. Is it because someone else (besides a doctor) is telling you to lose weight? Is someone telling you that you're ugly, fat, etc? Do you see other women or men and compare yourself to them? Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Do it for you and your health. Do it because you want live a longer healthier life. If someone in your life is being a negative influence, maybe they don't deserve to be around you. Consider dropping those negative people and I bet the pounds will come off faster. 

Celebrate each success. When you lose that first 5 pounds do something for yourself that's not related to food. Get a pedicure, buy a top, or something else you've had your eye on. Most importantly, LOVE YOURSELF! Don't beat yourself up. Be good to both your body and spirit. 

Confessions of an Emotional Eater

I'd like to say that this blog entry is like the rest: full of inspiration and gung ho advice about weight loss and exercise, but it's not. It's about how I have totally fallen off the wagon this past week. 

I started a new job. I love it. I've met lots of new people, my trainer was great, and customers have been so patient and understanding of the newbie ringing up their groceries. Every night (except tonight) I've gone home emotionally and physically drained. I haven't had the energy to go to Zumba class, or even to cook. I did, however cook twice I think. I also went to a Body Plus Abs class, which entailed step aerobics and weights. After I left that class I remember feeling so sore, yet so accomplished. Then things just went downhill after that. 

I found myself eating McDonald's, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, sweet and sour chicken-just a bunch of crap! Last night I was making these buffalo burgers from a recipe I got at www.skinnytaste.com. The recipe called for 100% LEAN buffalo meat and I thought that's what I had, but I had grabbed one that said it was 100% Buffalo. That meant the points value of my meal skyrocketed. I figured since I'd already blown it, I may as well eat more tortilla chips with guacamole dip, so I did. I think that even later that evening I had more. This morning I went to breakfast and had corned beef hash, stuffed hash browns, eggs and toast. Believe me, I felt SO disgusted after that meal. My tummy hurt for hours, and I felt weighed down, just like all the other meals. 

When I think back to each crappy meal I had, there was some emotion associated with each one. Take for instance, breakfast. I was frustrated at my boyfriend's son for leaving a dish full of cereal in the sink. When I had the extra chips and dip last night, I was upset I had gotten the wrong meat and figured what the hell? When I got the burger from McDonald's, I was hungry, yet I was feeling really happy about my new job. There is not always a negative emotion to trigger someone like me to eat. 

I thought I had broken this cycle. I've come to realize, however, that it's going to take more time. I'm still a rookie when it comes to having a healthier lifestyle. I really hadn't beaten myself up about all of this until today. I wasn't calling myself names, but I was telling myself I know better! My tummy has been aching a bit all day. That's punishment enough. No need for me to add the negative self talk.

How am I going to get out of this funk? Well, I just have to keep reminding myself why I started this journey-I want to live a longer, healthier life. I've come so far and I can't blow it. I have to start tracking my meals again and STOP making excuses. 

It's time to stop messing around, and kick ass and take initials because I have no time to take names!

A Thank You to My Ex

Have you ever loved someone so much, and when things didn't work out you wondered where YOU went wrong? Did you ask, "Why doesn't he (or she) want to be with me?" "What did I do wrong?" Did you think that once things ended with them you'd never find someone as good as them or you'd never find love again?


This was me last year. I was with someone for 8 months, and the warning signs were there in the early stages of our relationship telling me I should get out but I ignored them. To make a long story short, I got tired of feeling last. I knew I'd never be first because of his children, but I never, ever wanted to FEEL last. So, I said goodbye, and then I regretted it almost immediately.  I practically begged him to come back, but he refused. My ego was bruised big time. I cried every night for a couple of months. I asked myself "Why didn't he fight for me?"
"What's wrong with ME?" Even after I entered a new relationship these questions haunted me in the beginning. It wasn't fair to the new man in my life either, who from the beginning gave me the attention I craved. He has a son, but not once have I felt I'm less important. I sure was a mess last year!


Fast forward to this year. Since I've begun my weight loss journey as I call it, I've come to realize that there is NOTHING wrong with me. Ok, so maybe I do need some fine tuning, but what I'm trying to say is just because he didn't want to be with me forever it doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. It doesn't mean that I'm not a fantastic person. It doesn't mean that I don't deserve the best. The breakup wasn't all on me. I did what I had to do because I DO deserve total devotion and happiness. I AM a beautiful person that doesn't need to settle. Most of all, it's HIS loss, and not mine. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but I can say with confidence now, that when he let me walk out of his life, he was missing out. Look how far I've come. I'm not just losing weight, I'm gaining confidence. I've talked about this before. How hot is it to have a pretty woman next to you that not only loves you, but loves and believes in herself? I was a defeated, beat down, and emotional mess last June. Today I am strong. I am beautiful. I want to thank my ex for not taking me back because for one I found someone wonderful who CAN love me the way I need and deserve, and for two, I realize I don't have to settle and accept everything. I'm not afraid to speak up if I'm unhappy. The old Tamara would have just kept her mouth shut or kept crying. That crybaby has left the building. 

Time to Stop Being a Follower and Become a Leader

I mentioned in a previous blog entry about how my weight loss has made me more confident. I'm walking with my head held high, I smile a lot more, etc. I've mentioned several times that I aspire to be a Zumba instructor once I've lost 20% of my starting weight. Well, I think it's time I raise the bar a bit. 


Several people have told me that I've inspired or motivated them in some way to start eating better, or exercising. A couple of my friends actually joined Weight Watchers. I find myself trying to coach my oldest daughter a little bit, and my other half, too, instead of nagging him about his eating, lol. In training for my new job today I was telling the girl sitting next to me about Weight Watchers. This has all got me thinking lately: Why not become a leader myself? Well, one reason is I'm not at goal yet. It's understandable that the company won't hire me yet until I can be a living example of how the program works. The other reason is my fear of public speaking. I LOVE speaking to people and meeting new people. However, I hate speaking in front of groups. I turn red. It passes, but I'd like to start off not looking like a lobster. I have plenty of time to work on that fear. I have 70 pounds to go before I reach my goal weight. If I average 2 pounds a week, I can reach that goal in almost 9 months. I think that's enough time to get prepared. I suppose I can read some books on the subject of public speaking, or perhaps take a class. No matter what, I need to work on it.


I love my leader, Debbie. She's enthusiastic, driven, encouraging, and she's loud! She's like me. I want to be in her shoes. I want to get people excited about achieving their goals. I want to make a difference. 


Besides being a mother, I can't think of anything more rewarding than helping to change the lives of others for the better. 

Missing Puzzle Piece

This weight loss journey of mine has brought on so many changes. Obviously there is the physical change, but there has been a change from the inside as well. I find that I'm more optimistic. Even when things don't go my way, I have an upbeat attitude. Like always, I have a smile on my face, but these days, I actually FEEL the smile-I'm not faking it. 

There is something else I've noticed. I have more confidence. I walk with my head up, and if I'm getting a second look from someone, I don't look down at my shoes. I look that person in the eyes and smile. I've found my confidence again. One recent example of this was my 2nd job interview with my new employer.

Before I went to the interview, I was nervous, but on the drive there I keep saying positive things out loud. "You've got this!" "You can do it". I don't know what happened to the nerves. Maybe it was my new boss and her assistant who seemed laid back, but I answered every question without hesitation. I even made them laugh. I maintained eye contact. I even told them about my weight loss and how I want to become a Zumba instructor when I reach one of my weight loss goals. My new boss asked the final question, "Why should we hire you?" I didn't give the standard cliche' answers. I simply said this, "Because I'm your missing puzzle piece." I said it with confidence, not arrogance, and I smiled. She and her assistant loved that response. I was offered the job on the spot. 

I credit my weight loss to this resurrected confidence. I'm doing my best to handle all situations just like I do with this weight loss-with determination, and a CAN DO attitude. I love what losing weight has done for me. I hope that you'll continue to stay with me and celebrate my success. Thanks for reading. 

A New and Improved Tamara

This morning I couldn't make it to my Weight Watchers meeting because my child is ill, so I decided to go this evening. I was going to chicken out and skip the scale and just go to meeting, but decided to face the music and put my big girl panties on and deal with it.(FYI, them "big girl panties" aren't so big anymore!) I gained 2.4 pounds last week. Now my leader said that a person's weight can fluctuate somewhere between 2 and 3 pounds before morning and evening, but I know I gained something. I was not tracking everything last week. There were a couple days when I really was a chowhound. Take yesterday for example. Yesterday was the last day of tax season, which meant it was my last day until next year at H&R Block. Our office had a potluck. There was pizza, tater tot casserole, chips, dips, hummus, and Baklava. Every chance I could get I was running back to the break room to munch on something. Today the scale reflected that. 


The old Tamara would have been pissing and moaning about it. The new Tamara, however, knows where I went wrong. I knew what was coming. I didn't even have the nerve to be disappointed because I KNEW I had gained those 2.4 pounds with no one else's help but my own. That was my moment today. I didn't get upset, didn't call myself a failure, I didn't get down on myself. I just said, "Oh well". I'm proud of myself for accepting this little setback and not making a huge deal of it. I know I will do better next week. And in a couple of weeks I'll have lost 30 pounds. Stay tuned!

Another Little Milestone Reached!

Today I got my award for losing 25 pounds. Well, it's actually 26.4 pounds now! I was so excited to get my key chain last week, and it was awesome to be able to add my first charm to it this week. That thing is going with me every where. When I feel myself about ready to cave and eat a big fat juicy burger, or some french fries with cheese, I'm going to reach into my pocket, and touch my key chain. It's going to be there to remind me that I've come so far, and there is no looking back. I'm tired of being the fat girl. I'm tired of shopping in the plus size section. Shoot, I'm tired of being tired! 


I admit, it feels great to get recognized for achieving my goals, but lately I've gotten comments from friends that meant more to me than these weight loss awards I've received. I've been told that seeing my posts (on Facebook) motivates one friend to want to do better, and another said that she's sure I'll "push her over the edge soon" to start dieting. Of course I mentioned to her that what I'm doing is not a diet, but a lifestyle change. Another friend of mine joined Weight Watchers just last week. She's full of questions, and I'm there to answer when I can. I feel kind of like a mentor. THAT is rewarding to me-to be able to inspire and motivate others to make positive changes in their lives. One reason I talk so much about my journey and successes along the way is not to just get some recognition and encouragement, but to motivate others who might be struggling with weight loss or who need that little push. 


Just a little update on where I am towards reaching my goals. I have to lose 7 pounds to have a 15% weight loss and 17 pounds to reach 20%. Once I reach 15% I'm either getting a tattoo or nose piercing. When I reach 20% I'll take a Zumba certification course. As usual I'll keep you posted. Thanks for reading!