Always the Fat Girl

I work in a grocery store. I get to see lots of people. There are the regulars that come in daily, and then some that come in once or twice a week. There is a favorite customer of mine that comes in once or twice a week. I noticed him about 3 months ago. He always comes in after his workout, buys a few things and goes to the self checkout where I work. We've chatted a little bit here and there, and every time he leaves I get teased because my face is flaming red from blushing. He's very attractive, nice, and funny. More on him in just a bit.

My plans have been finalized to go back to Missouri. A very nice person bought the plane tickets for my daughter and me. We fly out November 28th. I'm very excited and scared at the same time. I have no job waiting for me, not even a lead. I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. I just want to get home to my family and be happy. I may struggle a bit, but at least I know I'll be surrounded by people who love me and can lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on if I need it. 

Back to the favorite customer. Since I'm single now, I decided that it would do no harm to ask this guy out for a cup of coffee, especially since I'll no longer be around. I had been looking for him to come back into the store so I could ask him out. I knew what I wanted to say: "My last day here is November 23, and then I'm moving out of the state. I won't get to see my favorite customer anymore (he knows he's my favorite) so we should go have a cup of coffee sometime soon before I leave." I even imagined that I'd pout a little as I said I wouldn't be working there anymore, I'd smile, and be my typical flirty self. Well, he came into work the other night and it was my time to shine! I was going to step out of my comfort zone and ask him out to coffee. I talked to him. I told him I was leaving. He told me he hopes I have a safe trip and he understands why I'm leaving. I was blushing, and then the words I wanted to say failed to escape me. I chickened out!

Why? I was looking at this gorgeous man, and thinking to myself, "Why would he want to go out with this fat girl?" I kept telling my coworkers that the worst he would say is no and that's ok, but you know what, it's not ok. I would have taken it as something personal and felt rejected. 

I've written at least two blogs about my increased confidence, but that night I felt like the fat girl again. I didn't even give this guy a chance to reject me. I just assumed he would. I have to get out of this mindset that I am the "big girl" or the "fat girl". When I shop for clothes, I immediately wander to the plus size section first. Most of those things don't fit me anymore! I walk to the misses section, but there is that part of me that thinks I'm going to get strange looks because I don't belong there. BUT I DO!!! I've proven I can wear smaller clothes. I'm wearing them right now! What is it going to take for me to accept that I'm not that fat girl anymore?? It won't be my friends and family telling me how good I look. It won't be the strangers flirting with me. It's all on me to believe in myself and know that what I'm seeing in the mirror is not the "fat girl". I'm not skinny by all means, and I'm medically considered obese. But I've come a long, long way and I need to see what others see. I need to believe it's real!

I have to believe because I have two daughters who look up to me. What kind of example do I set for them if I refer to myself as fat, a cow, or a pig. It's time to toss out the big girl panties, put on my smaller girl panties and face the fact that although I'm not perfect, I need to be proud of myself and how far I've come. I need to tell that fat girl to get out of my head. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU ANYMORE!!!