When I was 18 I moved away from my home in St. Louis, Missouri because I was married, and my ex husband who was in the Air Force got stationed here. After 6 and a half years of marriage we divorced, but because of our daughter and his new wife's family being here, I stayed here also. In 2007 when my ex and his wife were divorcing he decided to move back to Missouri, and our daughter went, too. I would have gone as well, but at the time I was in a relationship that had a dead end, but because we had a child together and I was determined to make things work I stayed here. Well, that relationship finally met its end.
What kept me here in Washington? A variety of things: work, the beauty, friends, my daughter's family and men. There was always some man in my life. I think that for maybe a year since my youngest daughter's father and I broke up I was single or not trying to get in someone's pants. Well, there is a man in my life again, but it's time for me to think of someone else besides myself. I need to think about my children. My youngest daughter needs my attention. She has been through a lot of moving, her father's lack of attention, and my constant stress. She needs a mother who doesn't have to force a smile on her face. She needs a mother who isn't so busy trying to please everyone else that she gets annoyed with her daughter who simply wants to cuddle with her. Then there is my oldest daughter. She and her father have a strained relationship, so she can't always count on him to be there for her if she needs him. She and I are a lot closer, and she needs her family, too. I know she has her fiancee', but I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to have her mom around.
I have been writing about my weight loss journey since January. I think that it's time I take a journey across the country to my home. I miss my parents, my daughter, the rest of my extended family, and my friends. I have a few here, but when I need a shoulder to cry on, it just isn't the same as having my mom's shoulder. If I'm lucky enough to catch a Cardinals baseball game on TV, there is no one here who will really get excited about it like my dad. My mother was telling me the other day that when she goes shopping, it makes her sad when she sees other grandmothers with their grandchildren, because her youngest is so far away.
The last time I went home it wasn't under the best circumstances. My dad had suffered a heart attack. He was still feeling pretty lousy when we were there, and even worse, ended up in ICU with congestive heart failure. There are many reasons I want to go home, but here are two that really have made me sure: although my father was smiling and we joked a little when he was in the ICU, he was frail, and his skin was so white. He was like a ghost of my dad. I want to go home and see the dad that is smiling and watching baseball. I want to see the dad that calls me Princess. Another reason to get home-my dad told me that he never got to really hug Paris when we visited because he was so sick. That really hurt my heart.
I'm scared and excited at the same time. I'm still trying to work out the details, but I will get home. I know I will feel complete when I am back home with the people who really love and care about me. Dad, I promise, you will get many hugs!
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