But I Don't Want to Put on My Big Girl Panties!

I think I can speak for my friends when I say that it feels good to have a new pair of panties, especially when they match your bra. I see ads for cute bra and panty sets all the time, and the models are always built just right, and they're smiling seductively and they know they look good.  Let's face it, if I put on a cute set, I don't look even close to the model on the tags or in the ads I see. I wish I could tell you that I can look at myself and be proud, but I see all the lumps and bumps and I hate it. I got my myself in this position, and if you read my last blog, you know that I am trying to change that. 

I know that I should love myself the way I look, but let's get real-I have too much on my body to love, too much that could potentially be life threatening. I admit, I have some vanity. I know that I am pretty, but I'd like the body to look as good as the face. I want to go to Victoria Secret with confidence, knowing I can find a sexy bra and panty set that will fit me. I want to be able to get ready for work in the morning in just my bra and panties without feeling self conscious about all the extra flesh hanging out and about. I want to feel like I can get on a pole and look sexy instead of silly. Wait, did I really just say I want to pole dance? Ok, back to the point. I know my man loves me, wobbily bits  and all, so my wanting to get healthier has nothing to do with how he feels about me. I know that there are plenty of men out there who appreciate voluptuous ladies like me. I know they feel like they need "something to hold on to", but I see nothing wrong with having a little less to hold.


Speaking of less, let's go back to panties. I know that there are sexy underwear for people in my size, but it usually means I have to go to Lane Bryant, Fredericks of Hollywood, or a major department store, and thanks to my extra weight, the panties cost extra money.  I was at Walmart last night and was checking out all the underwear choices and I saw all the cutesy boy shorts, thongs, low rise panties, etc. When I got to my size, I swear it was mostly larger "you aren't getting any" panties. It was a little ,depressing. With a heavy heart I have to confess I had to go with the "you aren't getting any" briefs. However, I have to admit, they are pretty comfy. They will have to do for now. 

I may not love my body for how it is, but I do love me. And because I love myself I will do what I can to get healthier and into smaller panties of course. Hopefully thongs will still be in style when I reach my goal. :-)

Get Busy!

What motivates you to lose weight? Do you have a wedding you want to attend and want to fit into a dress size that you haven't been in since you were 13? Are you trying to do this crash diet to get to your ideal weight within 3 weeks? Is it true that after a week of  practically starving yourself you will be walking through the dress section of your favorite store with a box of Girl Scout cookies, almost in tears because you are tired of paying extra money for extra fabric? 
Why do you do this to yourself? I have known a lot of people, myself included, who have tried these "crash" diets that promise fast results only to be disappointed in the end because the weight comes back on. There has to be some effort to keep the weight off. If you have just a few pounds to lose, by all means drink that cabbage juice 3 times a day. You might be on the toilet all day, but you might just get into those jeans you used to rock like you did that mullet back in the day. 

I'd rather play it safe and make lifestyle changes. It's seem so easy-exercise, balanced meals, sleep, no stress-but it takes hard work and committed. I have stopped and started to get back on track so many times I lost count. I haven't tried crash diets. In fact, I haven't tried much at all. I did get excited there for a minute, was exercising and posting my "sweat pics" for my friends in our Facebook weight loss group, but then I lost my steam. I got depressed, stressed, tired, and just gave up. I turned to my comfort foods, and decided that I wanted to see just how wide my ass could get. Now I am seeing and feeling how much I have hurt myself. I am even more tired, stressed, and depressed because I am not doing anything to make it better. I miss the high that I got from exercise. I had less headaches, I needed less coffee, I had more pep in my step. Now to add to the emotional downfalls of not exercising my heartburn made a comeback. I haven't had regular heartburn since 2008 when I was at my highest weight of 250 pounds. When I was walking the trash up to the dumpster the other night that was the last straw. The trek to the dumpster is a small one with a tiny incline. Two years ago I walked up there with no issue. The other night I was panting like I had tried to climb Mt. Everest. I have friends that can run a 5k with no problem. I walked up a damn hill and felt like I overdid it. That is a damn shame and it's time I do something about it. 

I know, you've heard this song and dance before. I am not going to lie, I am sure there will be more stops and starts, but the point is to start, and not give up. I can't sit here and feel sorry for myself if I am not doing something about it. My dad has one leg now due to complications from his diabetes. My mom has had surgery to put stents in to help her heart. I am always afraid of losing them. I don't want my kids and boyfriend to worry about my health and worry about losing me. I can't be another statistic. I refuse. I can't continue to watch My 600 Pound Life while eating cheese fries. 

What is going to motivate me? Life. I want to live a healthier and longer life. 
I will end with a quote from one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption:
"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'."