Exit 40

This past weekend I drove to Vancouver, Washington with my youngest daughter so we can go to the birthday party of my friend's daughter, and spend the night. 

It was exit 40 that got me to thinking about my love life. What is the significance of exit 40? Well, in 2010 I met an ex of mine on a social networking site. At the time that we began talking, he was living in Vancouver, and I was in Tacoma. When we decided to meet in person, we chose exit 40 because it was kind of in the middle. I say "kind of" because for me it was more than halfway, but as always I was willing to go the extra mile-no pun intended. Long story short, we aren't together anymore, but as I passed this exit, I got angry. Since he and I broke up, I've passed the exit a couple of times and felt really sad because it reminded me of our first date and how good things were back then. This time I was so mad because I came to the realization that I have gone out of my way several times for some guy! I even moved from Tacoma to be near him, and after eight months of ups and downs and feeling in last place most of the time I ended the relationship. 

I can remember earlier that year driving to Everett and to Shoreline to meet other people. These people didn't bother to even meet me halfway! Where are they now? One never called after our date. Perhaps it's because I didn't want to have sex with him. The other just kept putting me off. There was always SOMETHING going on. He couldn't even send a simple text message. In 2008 shortly after I ended things with my youngest daughter's father, I drove to Eastern Washington to be with someone. After weeks of sweet text messages and long phone conversations I was convinced he was the one. After driving there, which was 6 hours round trip, I was told he wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship after I had asked "What happens now?" Did I walk away with my head held high? No, I WENT BACK a second time!  Can you say, DESPERATE????? 

And I've done it again! Remember when I moved to Vancouver to be near a man? Well, after we broke up I moved to Oregon because a former friend of mine said the cost of living was better, and I'd have her and her family if I needed them for anything.I found a roommate and after living with him for two months he put his house up for sale and told me that his girlfriend and her daughter needed a place to live. I was seeing someone that I met online and we decided that I'd move back up to Washington to move in with him. However, before this happened we had discussed the possibility of him moving to Oregon because his family was there, but his son wouldn't go for it. So, once again, I was the one relocating my life. 

Why have I let this happen so many times? Why have I not stood up and told these people that I am worth the extra mile? Why have I allowed myself to be so desperate? It's not so much because I was lonely. I think it's been lack of confidence. For so long I didn't believe that I deserved better. Well, that has changed. 
Although my weight loss has literally had some ups and downs, it has given me hope and confidence. I know now that I don't deserve to be treated like I'm the bottom of someone's totem pole. I KNOW that if I meet someone that yes, HE is lucky to have me just as much as I may be to have him. 

It's time to set a better example to my daughters and show them that I won't take anything less than the best. I AM WORTH THE EFFORT! 

Homeward Bound

When I was 18 I moved away from my home in St. Louis, Missouri because I was married, and my ex husband who was in the Air Force got stationed here. After 6 and a half years of marriage we divorced, but because of our daughter and his new wife's family being here, I stayed here also. In 2007 when my ex and his wife were divorcing he decided to move back to Missouri, and our daughter went, too. I would have gone as well, but at the time I was in a relationship that had a dead end, but because we had a child together and I was determined to make things work I stayed here. Well, that relationship finally met its end.

What kept me here in Washington? A variety of things: work, the beauty, friends, my daughter's family and men. There was always some man in my life. I think that for maybe a year since my youngest daughter's father and I broke up I was single or not trying to get in someone's pants. Well, there is a man in my life again, but it's time for me to think of someone else besides myself. I need to think about my children. My youngest daughter needs my attention. She has been through a lot of moving, her father's lack of attention, and my constant stress. She needs a mother who doesn't have to force a smile on her face. She needs a mother who isn't so busy trying to please everyone else that she gets annoyed with her daughter who simply wants to cuddle with her. Then there is my oldest daughter. She and her father have a strained relationship, so she can't always count on him to be there for her if she needs him. She and I are a lot closer, and she needs her family, too. I know she has her fiancee', but I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to have her mom around. 

I have been writing about my weight loss journey since January. I think that it's time I take a journey across the country to my home. I miss my parents, my daughter, the rest of my extended family, and my friends. I have a few here, but when I need a shoulder to cry on, it just isn't the same as having my mom's shoulder. If I'm lucky enough to catch a Cardinals baseball game on TV, there is no one here who will really get excited about it like my dad. My mother was telling me the other day that when she goes shopping, it makes her sad when she sees other grandmothers with their grandchildren, because her youngest is so far away. 

The last time I went home it wasn't under the best circumstances. My dad had suffered a heart attack. He was still feeling pretty lousy when we were there, and even worse, ended up in ICU with congestive heart failure. There are many reasons I want to go home, but here are two that really have made me sure: although my father was smiling and we joked a little when he was in the ICU, he was frail, and his skin was so white. He was like a ghost of my dad. I want to go home and see the dad that is smiling and watching baseball. I want to see the dad that calls me Princess. Another reason to get home-my dad told me that he never got to really hug Paris when we visited because he was so sick. That really hurt my heart. 

I'm scared and excited at the same time. I'm still trying to work out the details, but I will get home. I know I will feel complete when I am back home with the people who really love and care about me. 

Dad, I promise, you will get many hugs!