Cheater!

I started writing this blog 3 years ago because my dad's declining health scared me enough to make some changes. Well, in 3 years I could have reached my goal, but I'm now 10 pounds away from my starting weight. I've tried several weight loss methods. What I tried didn't fail. I failed! Weight Watchers has been the most successful for me by far. I lost 42 pounds. I also completed the Focus T-25 program from Team Beachbody. Well, what happened?

I became a slave to food again. I began eating when I was bored, stressed, tired, etc. I started eating just because someone else did. I also stopped exercising. Mix bad food choices with a sedentary lifestyle and you get one tired, bloated, crabby woman. My headaches came back daily, when they were almost absent while I was actively trying to lose weight.

I have no issues eating healthy. I love to eat healthy. I just need to stop making excuses to have the carbs and sugar. I need to stop saying, "I'll start again tomorrow." Someone told me "Everyone needs a cheat day." No you don't! When you cheat on a program, you cheat yourself. You're adding extra fat, sugar, or wherever else to work off. Why do that to yourself? I have cheated myself for years. I've cheated myself out of smaller clothes. I've cheated myself out of more productive days off because I'm too tired and lazy. No more cheating! I am tired of wasting time. I keep starting over and over again. My dad doesn't get to start over. Due to complications from his diabetes he lost a leg. I want to keep my limbs and my life!

How will I do that? By exercising some self control & limiting my sugar intake. Writing out grocery lists and sticking to them. Most importantly, if I do slip, I won't put myself down, because that will just lead me to feel sorry for myself and say "What the hell?" and eat some more.

I want to inspire others to succeed. That won't happen if I keep cheating. No one likes a cheater!

Courage

It takes courage to admit when you have a problem. Some may see it as a sign of weakness if you can't handle issues on your own. They prefer to fight their battles alone. When it comes to the battle of the bulge, I'm declaring war.

I’m tired of being scared of how my life is going to turn out if I don’t make changes. Making changes and having a healthier lifestyle is not easy. The weight did not come on overnight and it certainly will not come off overnight either. Like it or not, there are no quick fixes.

Too many people give up because they don’t see results quickly enough.

It’s not just about having discipline. It takes courage. Courage to hang in there when your 35 year old friend with metabolism of a teenager wolfs down 3 donuts while you pretend that the gluten-free toast with manufactured eggs and non-dairy cheese is THE best thing ever. It takes courage to eat that bag of chips while binge watching The Walking Dead, get on the scale at your weekly weigh in AND own up to the fact that the gain is YOUR fault. It takes even more courage to NOT do that again. Most of all, when it seems like you have no support system, when people are making fun of you with your tracker, laughing at your “weird foods”, and even tempting you with foods you are trying to avoid it takes courage to keep going. Remember why you started to lose weight in the first place. It’s about you, first and foremost. YOUR health. YOUR well-being. You are brave. You started this journey that too many people are too scared or proud to admit that they need to take. I wish you safe travels and success. 

I'm Baaaaack!

It has been quite some time since I last wrote.

A lot has happened. To sum it all up: I live in Missouri now, I found true love, and I found some pounds to go with it.

2013 was quite a year, and 2014 has started off quite interesting as well. My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. My dad was hospitalized for congestive heart failure. A week ago today I had a car wreck and hit a tree.

I’ve been up and down emotionally, and old habits die hard so you can guess how I’ve coped: eating. I am just 5 pounds from getting up to 200 pounds again. I am still that fat girl, who thinks about what I’m going to have for dinner, when I’ve barely finished my breakfast. My boyfriend lost 40 pounds in a 13 week period on P90x, but due to some stress and changes in his life, he has also gained weight back.

How am I going to get back to that confident, sassy, and motivational fireball again? Well, at my job we are doing our own version of The Biggest Loser. Each week we will weigh in and the person with the highest percentage of fat lost will win $12. At the end of the 10 weeks, the biggest loser will get $120. I had to put in $16 to enter the contest and I am determined to get that back and then some. I know that this week I will have a gain, because it has been a fast food free-for-all for me. Next week, however, watch out! I will start back on Focus T25, a Beach Body program started by Shawn T. I consider it to be a stepping stone to finally have a healthy lifestyle. Don’t worry. I am still bound and determined to be a Zumba instructor. Those of you that have read my blogs know I have wanted to do that for a long time.

This is the year folks. I am kicking ass and taking initials because I have no time to take names! Stay tuned!

Always the Fat Girl

I work in a grocery store. I get to see lots of people. There are the regulars that come in daily, and then some that come in once or twice a week. There is a favorite customer of mine that comes in once or twice a week. I noticed him about 3 months ago. He always comes in after his workout, buys a few things and goes to the self checkout where I work. We've chatted a little bit here and there, and every time he leaves I get teased because my face is flaming red from blushing. He's very attractive, nice, and funny. More on him in just a bit.

My plans have been finalized to go back to Missouri. A very nice person bought the plane tickets for my daughter and me. We fly out November 28th. I'm very excited and scared at the same time. I have no job waiting for me, not even a lead. I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. I just want to get home to my family and be happy. I may struggle a bit, but at least I know I'll be surrounded by people who love me and can lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on if I need it. 

Back to the favorite customer. Since I'm single now, I decided that it would do no harm to ask this guy out for a cup of coffee, especially since I'll no longer be around. I had been looking for him to come back into the store so I could ask him out. I knew what I wanted to say: "My last day here is November 23, and then I'm moving out of the state. I won't get to see my favorite customer anymore (he knows he's my favorite) so we should go have a cup of coffee sometime soon before I leave." I even imagined that I'd pout a little as I said I wouldn't be working there anymore, I'd smile, and be my typical flirty self. Well, he came into work the other night and it was my time to shine! I was going to step out of my comfort zone and ask him out to coffee. I talked to him. I told him I was leaving. He told me he hopes I have a safe trip and he understands why I'm leaving. I was blushing, and then the words I wanted to say failed to escape me. I chickened out!

Why? I was looking at this gorgeous man, and thinking to myself, "Why would he want to go out with this fat girl?" I kept telling my coworkers that the worst he would say is no and that's ok, but you know what, it's not ok. I would have taken it as something personal and felt rejected. 

I've written at least two blogs about my increased confidence, but that night I felt like the fat girl again. I didn't even give this guy a chance to reject me. I just assumed he would. I have to get out of this mindset that I am the "big girl" or the "fat girl". When I shop for clothes, I immediately wander to the plus size section first. Most of those things don't fit me anymore! I walk to the misses section, but there is that part of me that thinks I'm going to get strange looks because I don't belong there. BUT I DO!!! I've proven I can wear smaller clothes. I'm wearing them right now! What is it going to take for me to accept that I'm not that fat girl anymore?? It won't be my friends and family telling me how good I look. It won't be the strangers flirting with me. It's all on me to believe in myself and know that what I'm seeing in the mirror is not the "fat girl". I'm not skinny by all means, and I'm medically considered obese. But I've come a long, long way and I need to see what others see. I need to believe it's real!

I have to believe because I have two daughters who look up to me. What kind of example do I set for them if I refer to myself as fat, a cow, or a pig. It's time to toss out the big girl panties, put on my smaller girl panties and face the fact that although I'm not perfect, I need to be proud of myself and how far I've come. I need to tell that fat girl to get out of my head. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU ANYMORE!!!

Exit 40

This past weekend I drove to Vancouver, Washington with my youngest daughter so we can go to the birthday party of my friend's daughter, and spend the night. 

It was exit 40 that got me to thinking about my love life. What is the significance of exit 40? Well, in 2010 I met an ex of mine on a social networking site. At the time that we began talking, he was living in Vancouver, and I was in Tacoma. When we decided to meet in person, we chose exit 40 because it was kind of in the middle. I say "kind of" because for me it was more than halfway, but as always I was willing to go the extra mile-no pun intended. Long story short, we aren't together anymore, but as I passed this exit, I got angry. Since he and I broke up, I've passed the exit a couple of times and felt really sad because it reminded me of our first date and how good things were back then. This time I was so mad because I came to the realization that I have gone out of my way several times for some guy! I even moved from Tacoma to be near him, and after eight months of ups and downs and feeling in last place most of the time I ended the relationship. 

I can remember earlier that year driving to Everett and to Shoreline to meet other people. These people didn't bother to even meet me halfway! Where are they now? One never called after our date. Perhaps it's because I didn't want to have sex with him. The other just kept putting me off. There was always SOMETHING going on. He couldn't even send a simple text message. In 2008 shortly after I ended things with my youngest daughter's father, I drove to Eastern Washington to be with someone. After weeks of sweet text messages and long phone conversations I was convinced he was the one. After driving there, which was 6 hours round trip, I was told he wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship after I had asked "What happens now?" Did I walk away with my head held high? No, I WENT BACK a second time!  Can you say, DESPERATE????? 

And I've done it again! Remember when I moved to Vancouver to be near a man? Well, after we broke up I moved to Oregon because a former friend of mine said the cost of living was better, and I'd have her and her family if I needed them for anything.I found a roommate and after living with him for two months he put his house up for sale and told me that his girlfriend and her daughter needed a place to live. I was seeing someone that I met online and we decided that I'd move back up to Washington to move in with him. However, before this happened we had discussed the possibility of him moving to Oregon because his family was there, but his son wouldn't go for it. So, once again, I was the one relocating my life. 

Why have I let this happen so many times? Why have I not stood up and told these people that I am worth the extra mile? Why have I allowed myself to be so desperate? It's not so much because I was lonely. I think it's been lack of confidence. For so long I didn't believe that I deserved better. Well, that has changed. 
Although my weight loss has literally had some ups and downs, it has given me hope and confidence. I know now that I don't deserve to be treated like I'm the bottom of someone's totem pole. I KNOW that if I meet someone that yes, HE is lucky to have me just as much as I may be to have him. 

It's time to set a better example to my daughters and show them that I won't take anything less than the best. I AM WORTH THE EFFORT! 

Homeward Bound

When I was 18 I moved away from my home in St. Louis, Missouri because I was married, and my ex husband who was in the Air Force got stationed here. After 6 and a half years of marriage we divorced, but because of our daughter and his new wife's family being here, I stayed here also. In 2007 when my ex and his wife were divorcing he decided to move back to Missouri, and our daughter went, too. I would have gone as well, but at the time I was in a relationship that had a dead end, but because we had a child together and I was determined to make things work I stayed here. Well, that relationship finally met its end.

What kept me here in Washington? A variety of things: work, the beauty, friends, my daughter's family and men. There was always some man in my life. I think that for maybe a year since my youngest daughter's father and I broke up I was single or not trying to get in someone's pants. Well, there is a man in my life again, but it's time for me to think of someone else besides myself. I need to think about my children. My youngest daughter needs my attention. She has been through a lot of moving, her father's lack of attention, and my constant stress. She needs a mother who doesn't have to force a smile on her face. She needs a mother who isn't so busy trying to please everyone else that she gets annoyed with her daughter who simply wants to cuddle with her. Then there is my oldest daughter. She and her father have a strained relationship, so she can't always count on him to be there for her if she needs him. She and I are a lot closer, and she needs her family, too. I know she has her fiancee', but I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to have her mom around. 

I have been writing about my weight loss journey since January. I think that it's time I take a journey across the country to my home. I miss my parents, my daughter, the rest of my extended family, and my friends. I have a few here, but when I need a shoulder to cry on, it just isn't the same as having my mom's shoulder. If I'm lucky enough to catch a Cardinals baseball game on TV, there is no one here who will really get excited about it like my dad. My mother was telling me the other day that when she goes shopping, it makes her sad when she sees other grandmothers with their grandchildren, because her youngest is so far away. 

The last time I went home it wasn't under the best circumstances. My dad had suffered a heart attack. He was still feeling pretty lousy when we were there, and even worse, ended up in ICU with congestive heart failure. There are many reasons I want to go home, but here are two that really have made me sure: although my father was smiling and we joked a little when he was in the ICU, he was frail, and his skin was so white. He was like a ghost of my dad. I want to go home and see the dad that is smiling and watching baseball. I want to see the dad that calls me Princess. Another reason to get home-my dad told me that he never got to really hug Paris when we visited because he was so sick. That really hurt my heart. 

I'm scared and excited at the same time. I'm still trying to work out the details, but I will get home. I know I will feel complete when I am back home with the people who really love and care about me. 

Dad, I promise, you will get many hugs!

Almost 20% Off! No, Not a Great Sale-20% off of ME!

Last week wasn't so great for me. I was bloated, got food poisoning, and was stressed to the max.
I had some good and bad days as far as the eating goes. I did not track my food or activity, yet somehow managed to lose 4.6 pounds. I'm happy, yet I'm a little ticked at myself for not staying on plan and tracking everything. I was doing a lot of estimating in my head as far as how many points I was consuming. I think the weight loss is lucky, to be honest. 

Today I just realized 2 things. I am just a half pound away from a 40 pound weight loss and I am 5.2 pounds away from having lost 20% of my starting weight. A goal of mine is to get certified to become a Zumba instructor once I've lost 20%. I'm excited. It may take some time to get certified, because the classes cost money and they fill up quickly. There are 2 classes available in September. One is September 8th and still has space, but I won't have the $225 in time. The other class is September 22nd and is already sold out. I hope that more open up very soon! 

I admit that I've slacked off quite a bit, but today when I realized I'm so close to another milestone I had a talk with myself, and said that all that slacking off, mindless snacking, and laziness ends today! I'm going to plan out my week, which will include exercise and meals. I should have been at 20% long ago. However, I'm still a happy girl. I have more energy, I can wear smaller clothes, and I have more confidence as I've mentioned in other blogs. 

I'm off to do a walk now. It's kind of warm out there but I am NOT letting that get in my way. I've let too many things get in the way of my success. Mainly myself! Not today and not ever again. I DO deserve the very best and damn it I'm going to get it!